Where - Trusting

What have I become, my sweetest friend? - Hurt

And I ask myself "How did I get here?" - Once in a Lifetime

Moments pass, when I wonder - what am I to make of my life? What are my plans? I want to help people, but how can I make a living by doing such a thing? What shall be my occupation?

I trust in my Savior to know what is best, but too often, I find myself with a mild sense of anxiety. Lord knows what I can do, who I shall meet, how I can be of service. It is an open world, He is familiar with all of us. Our moments of courage, our quiet surrenders. But I do not shift responsibility for my shortcomings & anxieties on Him. I ask that He teach me how to behave & become a better semblance of Himself. He is a patient teacher, waiting for Me to learn to trust enough to let others in. I love Him, but need to live in Him. There is a distinct difference between acquaintanceship, friendship, intimacy, & dedication. Each have their place & time with Him. I don't wish to be acquainted with His wrath or disappointment. Christ called His disciples not only friends, but brothers, & I have opportunity of the same. Even more, Christ has promised that the church shall be His bride. But we must live in cleanliness & honor His name, not behaving as a slattern to vain philosophies & materialism. They are signs of weak trust in His ability to satisfy our needs. Dedication to the sticking point. All praise to He who is able to provide exceedingly abundantly beyond all that we could ask or imagine. I need Him, & though He does not need me, He wants Me as a child of the living God, a brother of Christ, & receptacle of His Holy Spirit dwelling in me.

Savory - Unsettled

I awoke this morning to the realization that I hadn't been forgiven. Like the Fray song "How to Save a Life," I was at a loss for how to proceed. I liked and was fond of the person, but they didn't reciprocate in kind.  This bothered me in the morning - I was tired, vulnerable, and generally feeling things very acutely.  What made it worse is that I knew I was and am in the wrong here and they are justified in a dislike for me.

Relationships are complicated, as Avril Lavigne described in the mid 2000's.  They are a two way street of communication and interest. When one side places up road-blocks and "under construction" signs, it is often best to not press the issue.  I tend to get into these situations by thinking too much, too late. On one side, if I keep silent - it is an silent admission of guilt and allows the other person to frame the story.  (I don't mind being the goat, & suffering sacrifice. But atonement has not been paid yet in this instance.) Although I have apologized multiple times, that does not mean that the other party is obligated to accept them.

On the other extreme - raising a ruckus about the issue just muddies us both, and I expose myself to the possibility of digging a deeper grave. So, I have kept flailing to a minimum, hoping that my record of good behavior will speak for itself. I admit that I acted unwisely, but that my intention was not to harm the other party.  But they are not interested in reconciliation or speaking about it.

I would bury the hatchet if it had been my blood on the blade, but in the event of this remaining unsettled, I find that it weighs on my hands.  I dropped it before, resolving that I would not press the issue, but a recent interaction reveals that time has not healed the wound I dealt.  I refuse to speak ill of the person, for I am responsible for my own actions. But I wish it could have had a different ending than this.  It is unhealthy for my spirit to dwell on the past.  Even though it grinds on me enough to explore my own emotions on the issue, to provide an experience for me to feel and write about.  This is not as much about therapy or sympathy, but out of a kind of journal entry for capturing my thoughts on an issue. It is public because if another person has been in my position, it hope it is comforting to know that they are not alone.

I am wrong, but there is not any indication that they wish for me to make it right. Some things end, and I must accept that.  To dwell and brood on my inability to satisfy their standards for appropriate compensation is to give them power over me, a reign of penance on my part.  I am done suffering. I admit that I regret my actions which led to this, but will not be obnoxious and needy to people who do not want things fixed. I will focus on the metaphorical 99 friends which I have, rather than searching in vain for the ones I've lost. If I divide my attentions in despair, I will be poor company for those who still remain.  This was not a romance, but a friendship squandered by my carelessness. I am thankful for those who have stuck with me, and am resolved to learn from this. With a sad smile, I close this chapter, hoping inwardly that the story does not end on this note.

Also, Matthew Theissen has written two songs in which I take solace and peace.

"I'm over it
Yeah behind me now
I'm just over it
Over it
Yeah I'm finding out
I'm just over it
No I don't know what's over just yet
But I won't go slow and time can let the mind forget" - Over It "Relient K"

(If You Want It) - Relient k 

Aerodynamic - Anniversary.

It has been my 252nd monoversary this past day, and I spent the first half of it worried about the things I must do over the next week.  Rest does not come easily justifiable to me, but the squandering of the morsels of wakefulness I am given appears pathological.  I needed to take a deep breath, watch over a twig firepit, and read a novel.



Too often I deny myself desired simple pleasures out of a self-policing reward system for completing difficult or distasteful tasks.  But this only serves to frustrate me and tempt me to distraction.  I am blessed with family and friends who forbear with my ornery and isolated periods.  I love them dearly, but sometimes am unable to communicate it to my own satisfaction or their understanding.

Overall, a quarter of my expected life has passed, but the best is yet to come. Allonsy!

I must confess,
I been blessed beyond most compare.
I made a Nathan Bourne card and amused us quite rare.
Then there was Gabraham Lincoln so sweet.
Handing out Pwn'age and dropping sick piano beats.
I was touched by their time, thankful for the meet.
In the days and years I've had, they make my life complete.
The kindness of a Savior, reflected in their eyes.
I watched an episode new
(of the 7th series Doctor Who).
But the real treat of these 252
Is sharing it with you guys.

Metaphorical - Cyclical

I am bothered. But that in itself is self-focused & not actionable. Like a discomfort at standing with cold feet on a hot tin roof, I am lukewarm. What has happened is that I have spoiled my appetites for a week of break. I stayed at home, having neither the inclination or the inkling of planning a vacation. I have an unhealthy respect for responsibility - I know that once assumed, it will be expected of me by any one who cares. I live in the invisible pressure of living up to my parents' expectations. I feel a vague sense of guilt for still living with them at the age of 20. I know I am privileged to have their patience, but I don't want to try that grace. I need to just fail already & get over my fear of its effects. I am at the edge of my window in which it is not only permissible to fail, but expected as a healthy part of life. We're chucking dodgeballs at one another.  Though the hits we sustain sting, they are not the hail of stones or flurry of backstabbing knives that could be. In the end, I have little to defend myself. I just need to strip my thin skin to collect samples. Put my life in perspective. I am blessed. Truly am. But for a person with small issues, he needs to place them under the microscope to make them bigger. Tiny cake crumbs caused the rhino in Kipling's "Just So Stories" acute discomfort, but the circumstances for that revenge were made possible by the creature's arrogance.

Wanted - Purpose

After two prose pieces, I must reexamine my motivations behind creating this. What is this? It is but a dartboard for my mind, throwing projectiles in thought from an ever-changing quiver.

Will I seek truth in all of its depth?
When all is seen dimly & I'm out of breath.
What is my trajectory?
Have I an inkling?
My thoughts are a factory
Even in sleep hardly ceasing.
But what will I do with the products I create?
They are sometimes amusing, but their utility is innate.
Puzzling through the eyes of a renewed vigor -
What a wondrous life, as my responsibilities sprout bigger.
No, I can not pause to reflect - the deadlines are creeping.
Yet I hang on the this idea that things are not as they seem.
What is the larger picture? I don't have all time.
Just what is bestowed, and the skills I cultivate through rhyme.
Why this fascination? Shall I ever behold.
A city built by divine hands?
With avenues more precious than gold.
Oh it will be beyond imagining.
Vanity like chasing the storm.
Power is elusive, and is not long worn.
Time will claim us all, no matter how fast we run.
I will not fight the end, where I shall meet and embrace the Son.
Oh my brother, how clever you are.
Hiding in plain sight, and thine works show you not afar.
Thank you for these moments, their brevity makes them prized.
I hold fast to Your hope, trailing in Your strides.
Yes, this shall not last very long.
But my day will not be wasted.
Your mysteries intrigue me to plunge headlong.
Never leave me, please forbear my moods.
I am yet learning, patience and the art of not being rude.
I am oblivious until I am not.
Tenacious to what I hold, it is everything for which I've fought.
Death is not as fearful with the promise of you.
I regret only those I love and leave behind.
But await when I shall see them in bodies renewed.

Curtains - Cutting

I have placed curtains on tonight - an exam was covered tonight.  The other shoe is finally dropping in my education - things are coming due this week. It is my responsibility to sew curtains for them in lace, velvet, denim, and glass.  The last refers to my right hand's little finger getting cut by broken glass.
This slitting is making my actions have an aura of daintiness to them. It is quite painfully amusing for me.

My mother has purchased new drapes for my room. Their canvas look is making me reconsider the way the rest of the room looks and appears.  New information changes the light in which I perceive the rest of what I have.  As a finance major in training, I am learning how to perceive the world by the information I am given.  Another course focuses on the frames through which we see and act in different environments.

I know that I have many - each of my classes requires a different lens through which to view the material. It can be downright confusing when my first instinct to view an item as "common sense" is proven true.  I suspect the teachers of asking trick questions when the answer seems too easy. I am here to be taught, what chance do I have to know what you are thinking?

But that is a student role which I assume. Soon I will be so no more.  I am advised in a careers class to use that air of naivete while I have the opportunity - to interview people in their fields in order to better understand the work they do and the institutional culture on whose behalf they perform it.  Careers are curious things.  A financial advisor grinned when he told me, "I am not in the business of giving jobs - I am in recruiting those who would be promising in my field."

Neil Gaiman's advice was "Pretend to be good at something." Eventually you'll get the hang of the something.  Jake the Dog in Adventure Time said, "Sucking at something is the first step of becoming sorta good at something."  So, I will get used to the notion that indeed have marketable skills, to being able to verbalize them in actionable phrases, and have examples of my experience in those areas.

It still feels like the old joke, "Don't call me Mr. [...], that is my father's name!"  Don't tell me that I'll "be fine" or "Survive" - I've been managing both without any particular effort for years now. No, I shall be glorious, perhaps delusional, but never deluded.  I need to try to become something other than what I've been in order to manage any meaningful or useful change.

I'll take your silence as confirmation of my assessment. * Curtains *

Slumber - Unwaking

If I should lie here under waters warm
Covering me with comfort in blue.
If I should remain with these dreams -
I am torn between duty and rest's due.

If I should fall into the darkness
The dimness of twilight's embrace.
If I should but listen to the rise and fall
Of the bodies' breath without seeing the face.

Then I will not finish my work.
Then I shall stay changeless.
Then I do not do all that becomes me.
Letting life pass away to fantasies.

You cannot condone this.
You asked more of me.
You were betrayed with a kiss,
While the others around You sleep.

To lie here now is not the same,
I listen now and wait.
But if my actions do not bear fruit.
Your words and death lose weight.

Not to all, just to me.
My own fall, Your hand given freely.
If I do not accept the hand proffered,
You must leave me to my fate.

A sorrowful truth.
A lost opportunity not regained.
Testimonial proof.
To quit now would be vain.

You gave me rest when I was weak
I was young and gave you grief.
You forbore me while I stumbled around,
Protecting me from the shadowed thief.

The valleys are dark
So overcast and deep.
The night is designed in part
For us to rest and sleep.

But when the day breaks swift and sure,
When the light shines through.
I see the works laid out before,
I know what I must do.