If I had a quiver, I know what I would do.
I would craft myself some shafts, to test whether my aim be true.
But I would ever find that it stays the same.
I was not born an archer, Hunter is not my name.
If I had a sword, how proud I should be.
For every boy longs for a blade, knighthood bestowed while on their knees.
Alas I am still learning about the welded weight of steel.
I've yet to learn the power, to know which enemy is real.
If I had a harp, what a song I'd play.
I would strive for music, reminiscent of the dawn of day.
Sadly I haven't the patience to train in the art of song.
My hands won't concentrate, and I can't hear when a note rings wrong.
If I had your heart, I don't know what I'd do.
In that fragile organ, rests the essence of you.
I will guard it with all I am, striving to change my past.
You deserve better than imperfect me, so I will persevere at last.
If I had this life, in which to walk the mists
of Death waiting within the passage, of agony and bliss.
I know that this is not the end, a that there is a greater life to come.
But I choose to spend these days with you, until they are used and done.
Rather dedicated to John and Kels, until my time is realized. I observe from the absences and view with pleasure the beauty of life well lived. Until I emerge and take part in mine own dance.
Thursday, January 26, 2012
Wednesday, January 18, 2012
Sidenote - Separation
This moment I cannot regain, nor can you. Am I really worth your time? How painfully self aware am I about this outlet and its usefulness? I have been stuck on the idea of time and its finiteness of late. (Non-intentional, but it is telling that I used a past-tense function of time to describe my thinking of it.). The amount of effort and thought I put into my work and school is valuable at this point in my life. People expect much of me if at all - I cannot afford to be the way I wish. If I were given a choice, I would want to be placed in a barely furnished room with the following items: a book, a notebook, and a supply of pencils. I would read the book in question and write out my thoughts on its meaning and inspiration to me.
“Everyone should always have two books with him, one to read and one to write in.” - Robert Louis Stevenson
However, Mr. Stevenson doesn't let the matter rest there - "Books are good enough in their own way, but they are a poor substitute for life."
Eventually, I would like to be visited by friends in my hypothetical room, and interact with them. It is truly a wonder to study oneself and how one functions, but it is ever more delightfully frustrating and joyfully marvelous to attempt to understand one's friends as well.
My reasoning is selfish - I appear unpracticed in the art of self-discipline and choices. Oh, choices are fun to make, but the consequences involved feature variables I could not have imagined nor for which I accounted. If I ever did get them all figured for a point in time, that window of opportunity would have passed and rendered my intensive work embarrassingly frivolous. No, it doesn't pay to be impulsive or obsessive in your actions, but ideally, to be adaptive to whatever does happen.
I tend to want to sample many things and finish none of them. I recall that Douglas Adams, one of my favorite authors, was notoriously late for deadlines in his life. He was a bit of a whimsical perfectionist who thought his work ever incomplete. In his five part trilogy, Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, he always wanted to tie the series. One of my friends noted that his books become more cynical and embittered as they were published. Personally, I am amazed at the nuances of his cleverness and the mind-bending complexity of Mostly Harmless's plot. But in the Neil Gaiman written biography of his life (Don't Panic), Adams's friends recall that he would have to be forcibly coerced and locked in a room for a week or two to get any work done on a deadline - He would never have it down on paper despite the repeated attempts of his publisher's pleadings.
Life would be so much easier without so many choices, and sometimes I wonder why God had to give me so many paths from which to choose. I sigh inwardly, wanting to take them all like the speaker in 'The Road Not Taken" by Robert Frost. But, my heavenly Father has gifted me with the ability of free will, the spark behind the euphoria of triumphs and the sweeping mistakes of despair. I, as a adopted son of the Most High, must not falter, but press ever on forward for the glory of be-living of His Name.
Most of the things I say or think are unoriginal and culled from someone brighter or wiser than me, but I want to learn from the best and combine their beautiful elements into new arrangements and conclusions. This time, I may not regain or know the full import, but I am feeling my way towards a future full of possibility and hope.
As one friend once told me, "Time is never wasted." I had told myself for years that it was possible to do so, and had never seriously considered whether it was a false supposition. After a few semesters of college and economic courses, I was indoctrinated with the concept of opportunity cost - the cost of a decision to do something is the value derived from the next best alternative.
I refined my friend's thought into a private maxim, "Time is never wasted, though it can be ill-spent in an investment that does me little good. But just because I don't benefit directly from the consequences of my decision doesn't mean that no one will. Each action I take is a ripple effect and touches the lives of others. But, as I am not omnipotent, I will never realize the full scope - I can only be responsible for my actions and reactions to what others do."
May I cultivate self-discipline, patience, and joyfulness in my garden of virtues, that my fruit will be ripe for cross pollination.
*digs trench steadily*
“Everyone should always have two books with him, one to read and one to write in.” - Robert Louis Stevenson
However, Mr. Stevenson doesn't let the matter rest there - "Books are good enough in their own way, but they are a poor substitute for life."
Eventually, I would like to be visited by friends in my hypothetical room, and interact with them. It is truly a wonder to study oneself and how one functions, but it is ever more delightfully frustrating and joyfully marvelous to attempt to understand one's friends as well.
My reasoning is selfish - I appear unpracticed in the art of self-discipline and choices. Oh, choices are fun to make, but the consequences involved feature variables I could not have imagined nor for which I accounted. If I ever did get them all figured for a point in time, that window of opportunity would have passed and rendered my intensive work embarrassingly frivolous. No, it doesn't pay to be impulsive or obsessive in your actions, but ideally, to be adaptive to whatever does happen.
I tend to want to sample many things and finish none of them. I recall that Douglas Adams, one of my favorite authors, was notoriously late for deadlines in his life. He was a bit of a whimsical perfectionist who thought his work ever incomplete. In his five part trilogy, Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, he always wanted to tie the series. One of my friends noted that his books become more cynical and embittered as they were published. Personally, I am amazed at the nuances of his cleverness and the mind-bending complexity of Mostly Harmless's plot. But in the Neil Gaiman written biography of his life (Don't Panic), Adams's friends recall that he would have to be forcibly coerced and locked in a room for a week or two to get any work done on a deadline - He would never have it down on paper despite the repeated attempts of his publisher's pleadings.
Life would be so much easier without so many choices, and sometimes I wonder why God had to give me so many paths from which to choose. I sigh inwardly, wanting to take them all like the speaker in 'The Road Not Taken" by Robert Frost. But, my heavenly Father has gifted me with the ability of free will, the spark behind the euphoria of triumphs and the sweeping mistakes of despair. I, as a adopted son of the Most High, must not falter, but press ever on forward for the glory of be-living of His Name.
Most of the things I say or think are unoriginal and culled from someone brighter or wiser than me, but I want to learn from the best and combine their beautiful elements into new arrangements and conclusions. This time, I may not regain or know the full import, but I am feeling my way towards a future full of possibility and hope.
As one friend once told me, "Time is never wasted." I had told myself for years that it was possible to do so, and had never seriously considered whether it was a false supposition. After a few semesters of college and economic courses, I was indoctrinated with the concept of opportunity cost - the cost of a decision to do something is the value derived from the next best alternative.
I refined my friend's thought into a private maxim, "Time is never wasted, though it can be ill-spent in an investment that does me little good. But just because I don't benefit directly from the consequences of my decision doesn't mean that no one will. Each action I take is a ripple effect and touches the lives of others. But, as I am not omnipotent, I will never realize the full scope - I can only be responsible for my actions and reactions to what others do."
May I cultivate self-discipline, patience, and joyfulness in my garden of virtues, that my fruit will be ripe for cross pollination.
*digs trench steadily*
Monday, January 16, 2012
Probably - Nevermind
How do I begin? I will post a call and response I scribbled to myself to try to thresh out my thought processes. If I do a transcribed page a day, I'll see how far it carries the spark plug of my inspiration for future postings. This is a conversation concerning myself as seen by two hypothetical observers of my behavior.
"Why does he fear?" - Q
He is unsure of himself, afraid of potential
"At times he glows with promise, though it tends to dim with inaction." - Q
Responsibility, that in a word - it both attracts and repels him. He desires neither the credit not the blame for his actions' consequences.
"And the stereotypical power that comes with responsibility?" - Q
Ah, that raises an interesting point - his desire is for self-discipline, as he considers himself to have an obsessive personality.
"Surely, he requests the aid of the Most High, Creator of the hearts and minds of men." - Q
He converses and inquires for direction, especially when working with his hands. When he is surrounded with passivity, he feels the need for action. But when given multiple choices, he is paralyzed by indecision.
Hmm... I wonder if this is either overtly vague or too specific. I won't know if anyone reads this anyway.
"Why does he fear?" - Q
He is unsure of himself, afraid of potential
"At times he glows with promise, though it tends to dim with inaction." - Q
Responsibility, that in a word - it both attracts and repels him. He desires neither the credit not the blame for his actions' consequences.
"And the stereotypical power that comes with responsibility?" - Q
Ah, that raises an interesting point - his desire is for self-discipline, as he considers himself to have an obsessive personality.
"Surely, he requests the aid of the Most High, Creator of the hearts and minds of men." - Q
He converses and inquires for direction, especially when working with his hands. When he is surrounded with passivity, he feels the need for action. But when given multiple choices, he is paralyzed by indecision.
Hmm... I wonder if this is either overtly vague or too specific. I won't know if anyone reads this anyway.
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