Friday, August 21, 2015

Cobwebs - Excuses

I have a few of the first because of many of the latter. By rights, I shouldn't have any of either today. My day was shortened at my job because my department had caught up with the important tasks of the week & I had reached my 40 hours.

I have been living away from my family for the past 5 months, as an opportunity opened to share a place with a friend. I have enjoyed this time to figure out how to take on responsibility for my daily decisions and upkeep of household duties. Cobwebs are one aspect of these things. The house has spiders, but also other pests. I have been of a mind to let some of them live in order to reduce the amount of mosquitos and flies that wander about the house from time to time. But some webs locations need to be discouraged, such as near my clothing, food, and books. But corners and behind the sink? If any bug is careless enough to go exploring there, it deserves to face some consequences.

But cleanliness is a consistent maintenance issue, and some jobs can be put off to be dealt with in batches, while others require more immediate address. Spiders can be pushed down on the list if they keep their heads and legs down.

Now, as for excuses. My current job can and typically does take more than 40 hours of my week depending on the workload brought in for my department to process. It becomes easier to focus on just keeping up with those demands rather than planning for personal growth and improvement. I have relatively low social requirements for satisfaction, and my family worries whether I will become an mildly-agoraphobic hermit who just leaves the house to work and get food.

It is tempting, especially when I can spend my evenings in the company of my personal library of books. They don't make demands, and patiently wait for my attention to unlock their ideas. They are predictable in their behavior and will remain in that state barring any elemental disaster or decay. But that is what makes human company that much more interesting. Unpredictability: Depending on mood, recent events, personality, and satisfaction of appetites, etc. People are entertaining and strange. Books, when doing their job properly, provide context for events and personages. People are not bound by that requirement and often take advantage of this freedom.

I tend to think that I explain myself better than I actually do. My family and friends humor me in this, but it is sometimes aggravating when I forget to do so in a timely manner. But as ever there are excuses.

I have a habit of stalling for time, of trying to gather myself to be prepared to put forth a good effort towards a yet to be determined goal. I am better with defined, external goals because then I am accountable to something outside myself for getting something done. And I like to help other people when I can figure out how to be useful.

It all comes down to the question of how to best spend the time I have. It is easier to tell myself that I have fixed obligations, because then I can take those for granted and not question them too much. Excuses are a convenience to fill space and time until I find something I strongly want or need to do. Because life is not easy, nor is it simple. But it can be made more manageable and maneuverable when I clean out the physical and mental cobwebs. Then I can make efforts to simplify my field of vision by looking outside myself and learning how to recognize tasks & people involved who could be served with my attention.

It will take time. But I am yet young and by God's grace and favor I am gifted with a sufficient amount of that at the moment.