I am sitting in a chicken restaurant and Miley Cyrus's vintage single "The Climb" is playing. And I remember that era, where the song was an effort from her to redefine herself outside the character she played on television. A surreal moment of fake fame transitioning to honest identity. And I wonder if I am being honest with myself with where I am in life.
(Other than alone in this restaurant during its off hour rush).
The song came to mind two weeks ago when I was doing a long distance event held at a ski slope during its off season. I had cleared some obstacles in the course and the middle was a long jaunt in the woods. I had packed some snacks to keep up my stamina during the course, but had drained both my water bottle and provision reserves upon emerging back to obstacles. And was faced by a sandbag carry uphill in a short side track. Then a steep hill with no other burden.
I had visited this resort twice earlier in the year when it was operational for business. A friend group had organized to go snowboarding. It had been over a decade since I had last practiced my balance on a board. After a day full of downhill runs, my calves took the brunt of the impact, as I leaned back and forward, craving speed and the thrill of being on the edge of the wave of control. Having to slow down meant the board being wide to the hill and leaning against the slope's pull in order to increase friction.
And now I was facing the challenge from the other side of the slope, looking up, and my calves and glutes were spent. I learned the application of "mountain climber" exercise, by balancing on my toes to dig into the slope and suspending my weight to my hands. I stopped about every 10 feet of incline to catch my breath and rest. This view was in sight of the ski lodge and the finish line festival. I wondered how much farther I had to walk and how many more obstacles I would have to clear before I was able to enjoy that longer rest of accomplishment. I was talking to other struggling participants and this Cyrus song about struggling further on and further up came to mind with a wry laugh.
In my previous post, I mentioned that recent events have shaken my friends and family. The world feels cracked and broken, it is hard to trust how to make my way forward when my core team is in a place of mutual support, and the hope for gaining some leverage is in the hands of the Divine. I don't want to lean on them too hard, but I am finding I am embracing them more often. Trying to speak the words of life and encouragement. I think of John 6, where Christ speaks on being the bread of life, and some of his listeners struggle with this message and leave. He asks his core group, "Do you want to go as well?" And Peter responds "Lord, to whom shall we go? You have the words of eternal life, and we have believed, and have come to know, that you are the Holy One of God."
And after summitting that hill, I am beginning to be more judicious when approaching obstacles, taking under advisement the pop up "tented" signs alongside the challenges stating a warning that if you cannot physically attempt the obstacle, do not attempt it. There was a reason behind the liability waiver I signed at the entrance to registration. But I am continuing to walk the outlined course, for what else would I be doing here? If I hand in the towel here and ask to be golf carted back to the ski lodge, I get nothing for my progress invested so far. The medals and finisher shirt are given to those who cross the finish line. And I would walk around for the rest of the day anyway if I did quit. But then I see the course does not bend back towards the finish line? It is detouring into another side of the resort and I begin to truly lose my spirit. Then I notice that there is another hill after this detour...
Previous to my last post's events, two concurrent events took place in March. I lost a long time relationship and gained my first house. The two were linked, as I had been roommates with my best friend for the past 7 years. And figured that if I was to take this other, romantic, relationship seriously, I should probably get my own space. In a conversation with my counterpart, it became clear that the first three rules of real estate were going to be a cause of conflict for the continuation of the relationship. It was not close enough to bridge our mutual priorities of important life commitments. It was an expensive lesson in clarity, and led to this transition of the first time in my life I have lived alone.
People in my community have supported me, and asked me how I am feeling. I am busy, trying to do good works both professionally and personally and am growing to truly recognize the fruits of my commitments after years of patient growth. But I don't know what I am feeling lately, I am having to be patient and honest with myself there too. For right now, I finished those two hill climbs I had before me, and said "no" to challenges I knew I had not the strength to carry out. I don't have the luxury of pride, instead accepting the humble path of the penitent at times, knowing I need a helping hand or handout of a Clif bar from a fellow traveller when I am on my back with cramped legs and a frail spirit. God bless the kindness of friends and strangers giving me hope to carry on and finish, like in the witnesses of Hebrews 11 and 12.
