Aerodynamic - Anniversary.

It has been my 252nd monoversary this past day, and I spent the first half of it worried about the things I must do over the next week.  Rest does not come easily justifiable to me, but the squandering of the morsels of wakefulness I am given appears pathological.  I needed to take a deep breath, watch over a twig firepit, and read a novel.



Too often I deny myself desired simple pleasures out of a self-policing reward system for completing difficult or distasteful tasks.  But this only serves to frustrate me and tempt me to distraction.  I am blessed with family and friends who forbear with my ornery and isolated periods.  I love them dearly, but sometimes am unable to communicate it to my own satisfaction or their understanding.

Overall, a quarter of my expected life has passed, but the best is yet to come. Allonsy!

I must confess,
I been blessed beyond most compare.
I made a Nathan Bourne card and amused us quite rare.
Then there was Gabraham Lincoln so sweet.
Handing out Pwn'age and dropping sick piano beats.
I was touched by their time, thankful for the meet.
In the days and years I've had, they make my life complete.
The kindness of a Savior, reflected in their eyes.
I watched an episode new
(of the 7th series Doctor Who).
But the real treat of these 252
Is sharing it with you guys.

Metaphorical - Cyclical

I am bothered. But that in itself is self-focused & not actionable. Like a discomfort at standing with cold feet on a hot tin roof, I am lukewarm. What has happened is that I have spoiled my appetites for a week of break. I stayed at home, having neither the inclination or the inkling of planning a vacation. I have an unhealthy respect for responsibility - I know that once assumed, it will be expected of me by any one who cares. I live in the invisible pressure of living up to my parents' expectations. I feel a vague sense of guilt for still living with them at the age of 20. I know I am privileged to have their patience, but I don't want to try that grace. I need to just fail already & get over my fear of its effects. I am at the edge of my window in which it is not only permissible to fail, but expected as a healthy part of life. We're chucking dodgeballs at one another.  Though the hits we sustain sting, they are not the hail of stones or flurry of backstabbing knives that could be. In the end, I have little to defend myself. I just need to strip my thin skin to collect samples. Put my life in perspective. I am blessed. Truly am. But for a person with small issues, he needs to place them under the microscope to make them bigger. Tiny cake crumbs caused the rhino in Kipling's "Just So Stories" acute discomfort, but the circumstances for that revenge were made possible by the creature's arrogance.

Wanted - Purpose

After two prose pieces, I must reexamine my motivations behind creating this. What is this? It is but a dartboard for my mind, throwing projectiles in thought from an ever-changing quiver.

Will I seek truth in all of its depth?
When all is seen dimly & I'm out of breath.
What is my trajectory?
Have I an inkling?
My thoughts are a factory
Even in sleep hardly ceasing.
But what will I do with the products I create?
They are sometimes amusing, but their utility is innate.
Puzzling through the eyes of a renewed vigor -
What a wondrous life, as my responsibilities sprout bigger.
No, I can not pause to reflect - the deadlines are creeping.
Yet I hang on the this idea that things are not as they seem.
What is the larger picture? I don't have all time.
Just what is bestowed, and the skills I cultivate through rhyme.
Why this fascination? Shall I ever behold.
A city built by divine hands?
With avenues more precious than gold.
Oh it will be beyond imagining.
Vanity like chasing the storm.
Power is elusive, and is not long worn.
Time will claim us all, no matter how fast we run.
I will not fight the end, where I shall meet and embrace the Son.
Oh my brother, how clever you are.
Hiding in plain sight, and thine works show you not afar.
Thank you for these moments, their brevity makes them prized.
I hold fast to Your hope, trailing in Your strides.
Yes, this shall not last very long.
But my day will not be wasted.
Your mysteries intrigue me to plunge headlong.
Never leave me, please forbear my moods.
I am yet learning, patience and the art of not being rude.
I am oblivious until I am not.
Tenacious to what I hold, it is everything for which I've fought.
Death is not as fearful with the promise of you.
I regret only those I love and leave behind.
But await when I shall see them in bodies renewed.

Curtains - Cutting

I have placed curtains on tonight - an exam was covered tonight.  The other shoe is finally dropping in my education - things are coming due this week. It is my responsibility to sew curtains for them in lace, velvet, denim, and glass.  The last refers to my right hand's little finger getting cut by broken glass.
This slitting is making my actions have an aura of daintiness to them. It is quite painfully amusing for me.

My mother has purchased new drapes for my room. Their canvas look is making me reconsider the way the rest of the room looks and appears.  New information changes the light in which I perceive the rest of what I have.  As a finance major in training, I am learning how to perceive the world by the information I am given.  Another course focuses on the frames through which we see and act in different environments.

I know that I have many - each of my classes requires a different lens through which to view the material. It can be downright confusing when my first instinct to view an item as "common sense" is proven true.  I suspect the teachers of asking trick questions when the answer seems too easy. I am here to be taught, what chance do I have to know what you are thinking?

But that is a student role which I assume. Soon I will be so no more.  I am advised in a careers class to use that air of naivete while I have the opportunity - to interview people in their fields in order to better understand the work they do and the institutional culture on whose behalf they perform it.  Careers are curious things.  A financial advisor grinned when he told me, "I am not in the business of giving jobs - I am in recruiting those who would be promising in my field."

Neil Gaiman's advice was "Pretend to be good at something." Eventually you'll get the hang of the something.  Jake the Dog in Adventure Time said, "Sucking at something is the first step of becoming sorta good at something."  So, I will get used to the notion that indeed have marketable skills, to being able to verbalize them in actionable phrases, and have examples of my experience in those areas.

It still feels like the old joke, "Don't call me Mr. [...], that is my father's name!"  Don't tell me that I'll "be fine" or "Survive" - I've been managing both without any particular effort for years now. No, I shall be glorious, perhaps delusional, but never deluded.  I need to try to become something other than what I've been in order to manage any meaningful or useful change.

I'll take your silence as confirmation of my assessment. * Curtains *

Slumber - Unwaking

If I should lie here under waters warm
Covering me with comfort in blue.
If I should remain with these dreams -
I am torn between duty and rest's due.

If I should fall into the darkness
The dimness of twilight's embrace.
If I should but listen to the rise and fall
Of the bodies' breath without seeing the face.

Then I will not finish my work.
Then I shall stay changeless.
Then I do not do all that becomes me.
Letting life pass away to fantasies.

You cannot condone this.
You asked more of me.
You were betrayed with a kiss,
While the others around You sleep.

To lie here now is not the same,
I listen now and wait.
But if my actions do not bear fruit.
Your words and death lose weight.

Not to all, just to me.
My own fall, Your hand given freely.
If I do not accept the hand proffered,
You must leave me to my fate.

A sorrowful truth.
A lost opportunity not regained.
Testimonial proof.
To quit now would be vain.

You gave me rest when I was weak
I was young and gave you grief.
You forbore me while I stumbled around,
Protecting me from the shadowed thief.

The valleys are dark
So overcast and deep.
The night is designed in part
For us to rest and sleep.

But when the day breaks swift and sure,
When the light shines through.
I see the works laid out before,
I know what I must do.

Circumstantial - Timeliness

Life has been "peaceful" as the McCann brothers posited in Secondhand Lions.  The overall scene is serene, but circumstances have been occurring within the framework to keep things exciting.

Tonight, I attended my good friend John's 22nd birthday party at a bowling alley.  It was a bit of a hole-in-the-wall place, with perhaps ten lanes, crummy pizza at ridiculous prices (the man of the hours described it as "Two frozen pizzas stacked on top of each other for $15. It's not worth it"), and an eclectic mix of tunes pumping on the sound system. The last part was interesting to my friend and the other guests - 2 song choices for a dollar. John went first, picking out Florence and the Machine & Garbage.  Following that, the lovely Hanna chose Britney Spears and Carly Rae Jepsen.

As for the bowling itself. John has excellent form as a bowler and ended the first game at 149, with 5 strikes.  I matched him with the first two strikes, but what followed in between were petering 1's and 5's, ending with 68. Which brought to light a quirk of the lanes - Sometimes a gutterball would inexplicably ramp up off the wall and ricochet a backdoor mechanism, knocking down pins from beyond the grave.  Hanna lobbed the ball left-handedly down the lane, ending with a 54. She was cheerful about her throws though, and I hope her skills improve as the night goes on.  There is almost a bell curve for non-bowlers like me, where practice and endurance trade-off as the night continues.  Steph, the last lady in my set, was in the same boat as me, being that she remembered the idea of bowling, but it was like a bike left in the rain - the gears needed a little work before the rust wore off for a smooth ride.  Her final score was 62, I believe.

Now, as to the total experience: John is a great fellow to know - humble with many talents, a rare combination that leaves me in admiration of his abilities without resentment towards any arrogance he might have assumed as an additional swagger.  He performed in a Beastie Boys cover band called "Trip N' Balls" as a one-time joke at a friend's club.  Their show went well and they got asked to do it again. They've continued playing shows, and are going to have a New Years concert soon. Look 'em up on Facebook if you are in the Indianapolis area.

Steph and Hanna I met for the first time tonight.  They had excellent senses of humor and were pleasant conversationalists.  I was slightly distracted by the snowfalling and the implications of a safe trip home before midnight and snow clogs the roads.  Friends of John, if you read this, yes, I really wish that I could have had more time in which to get to know you, for you all made a favorable impression on me. The three late arrivals looked like Sons of Anarchy's younger and wittier cousins from the Midwest, with their leather jackets and satisfied, comfortable-with-themselves, personalities.

I had a wedding I committed to attending tomorrow and had to break off after a game to return home, rest and ready myself for that.  I am happy for my friends, hitting their transitional points in their lives & I pray their rides are smooth, and in the absence of that, that what they learn from the obstacles grows the bonds of their character and relationships with others.

As an endnote, I am soon leaving my library job of nearly five-and-a-half years.  This is a bittersweet time, as I truly enjoy the company of those with whom I've been working.  There has arisen a job opportunity in a field of my studies in college, and between learning the ropes of that position and the obligations of a new semester, something had to give.  This job is something that I've held for a quarter of my life and the experiences and lessons I've learned have grown me as a person - realizing that I can do certain services that are a bit outside my typical comfort zone.

I am a closeted perfectionist - not wanting to let anyone see what I am doing until I feel confident that I know how to do it reasonably well. I invest myself in my work & want people to like it.  It took a while to learn a happy medium between distancing myself from my work and taking feedback too personally. I am excited and nervous about this new stage in life, it is hard to be vulnerable, but sometimes I must risk failing to have an opportunity to reap a reward.

Lord, give me the patience, wisdom, and fortitude as I need it. I may be stubborn sometimes, but I thank You for not giving up and gently encouraging Me to let go to the things keeping Me from growing.  I need Thee every hour, and I learn anew the depth of Your wonders in the everyday.

Identity - Crisis

It is curious the effect of names and the power they wield in shaping behavior.  It is not the words themselves, but the idea and connotation behind them to the listener and speaker.  Communication is an everyday wonder taken for granted. I am most aware of its' power in the absence more than the effectiveness.  I could continue down that path in greater detail, but other events sparked me to post again.

It was something so simple as a vacation.  I enjoyed having a couple days off with my family, without the interference of internet access, which is more often a distractor than an accomplisher of tasks for me.  When I returned and checked my microblog on Twitter, I was dismayed to discover that I'd been hacked. Phantom me had posted false links to my feed and direct messaged others.  Three followers inquired as to the veracity behind me contacting them in that manner.  I apologized to the three, and proceeded to delete the offending messages.

When I checked back later, I discovered that, although my feed was unmolested, False Falchion Malacandra had not desisted the latter attack.  I changed my password and deleted twitter access on my mobile device and things have calmed since, but it raises a larger question?  I, who use an alias online as a passing amusement, witnessed the ease that someone else can assume my cloak and mask.  How much time, effort, and personality did I invest in my account?  Truthfully, I enjoy the access to people that twitter offers - an opportunity to speak a timely word of encouragement or praise to writers, performers, and friends whose work I admire.  It allows me to contact people quickly on their mobile devices, ask for opinions and availability.

Who am I?  How many reflections do I reveal in my own life? How many excuses and ideas do I hide behind? How much of me is truly self-created?  My current answer is a great deal of the source material may belong to the inspiration of another, but my understanding and implementation of it is my own.  The glory of free will, work, and options.  Like a hypothetical body, each interaction between intention and action is an exercise in my continuing evolution of character manifested.  As a creature of habit, my choices will become a routine, my actions do shape the course of my life and the abilities I will be able to offer to those around me.

As I rejoin the legions of the plugged in generation, examining the live feed of interactions of others on a grand stage, I believe that as people age, they reveal more of their true colors. As life progresses, people become more of themselves, only with louder actions and brushstrokes.  Inaction is also a choice - I am sometimes tempted to fade away into a shadow, observing the lives of others instead of contributing my own part to present histories.  On my own, I shall not change without monumental and superhuman strength of will and belief, I need a Savior to transform my life into something greater than I could ever dream or comprehend.

In the end, my identity's importance isn't who I am, but in whom it needs to be found.  My life is hid in Him - Fearing, loving, and worshipping Him with all I can muster now, and beyond as I grow in His grace.