"I watch the proverbial sun rise over the Pacific
And I might be losing my mind, but I will shy away from the specifics.
Cause I don't want you to know who I am.
Cause then you'll see my heart and the saddest thing its ever been
This is no way to try and live my life
Stop right there: That's exactly where I lost it
See that line, well I never should have crossed it
Stop right there: I never should have said that.
It's the very moment that I wish that I could take back.
I'm sorry for the person I became.
I'm sorry that it took so long for me to change.
I'm ready to make sure I never become that way again
Cause who I am hates who I've been."
- Relient k "Who I am hates Who I've Been"
It is a strange thing to grow up. And it feels stranger to recognize my growth as a person.
I live my life in relation to other things. Where my friends & my interests intersect &/or bounce off in different trajectories. These relationships change and decay over time, according to the velocity & energy I invest in keeping them in touch.
There are times in which I have to shed mass like a ship trying to stay afloat and maintain speed. At other times I must shoulder new responsibilities in response to a change in the wind in order to keep the pace. As I age, these weights will grow heavier as do the consequences behind the choices of what to keep and of what to let go.
It can also be akin to a juggling act of tossing away a part of my life in hopes of catching it again later once I free up space in the future. But that also means that some things which I drop so that another object can be put into rotation. My skill as a juggler will grow over time with practice as I get more accustomed to the rhythm & flow of life.
There will be some miniature glass houses among those objects. Friendships & hobbies I once held dear. If I am not careful & attentive, these can shatter into shards which can cut wounds. But I need to learn & keep moving on lest my inattention causes further future droppings.
I can't say that I live without regrets, but I am training my focus on the road ahead rather than cursing myself on the exits I missed in the rearview mirror. Life can go in so many ways & occasionally I can be wistful for what might have been or nostalgic for the way things were. My father and his twin brother have a reoccurring conversation about how much simpler life was in the age of innocence.
Not that life was easier, but how much less complicated it was when they did not comprehend the full implications of what it means to be a man & function on an adult level. Dynamics shift & the scenery changes. Eyes open wide to the knowledge of good and evil, with the expectation of sorting black & white when society wants to paint over issues with grey areas. Sight isn't always clear on the RIGHT way to behave and conduct myself, especially when the full implication behind how my actions can affect & influence others.
I miss all the me's of the past. Who I have been and the things I carried with me at each stage. But I can't be them again. I don't want to regress in order to cling to the past's familiar comfort. I want to be able to draw upon it & remember with a smile. To be grateful that I can look forward to missing the me that is now on some day in the future.
Showing posts with label driving. Show all posts
Showing posts with label driving. Show all posts
Saturday, January 31, 2015
Tuesday, August 26, 2014
Haste - Pacing
For the past three weeks, I have been performing temporary data entry work at a location 42 miles from my home. Each morning, I get up early to the chiming of my device's alarm. Pick up a collared shirt, slacks, and tie off the doorknob in the dark. Sit down and put on my dress socks and shoes.
I am in my uniform for the day, tying off a simple knot in my tie. After my first day, I found that the others in my position level were not expected to wear ties. But I didn't want to come back the second day looking less professional, so it has become a touchstone. Something that I do to train myself in the habit of dressing up.
But what spurred me to write this is the curious practice of driving. After exiting my hometown, I hit a state road with a speed limit of 55-60 miles per hour. In my estimation, it is a reasonably lenient expectation. I want to just coast along in the left lane, going perhaps 5-7 miles above the speed limit for a cushion. My exit is a good 37 miles down the road, I don't have much need for hurry or changing lanes.
But each day, as I turn on to this road, I see cars taking the morning emptiness and routinely going 10-15 mph over the generous speed expectation. When I am gauging my car's position against theirs, I have the feeling that my car is moving slowly in their wake, but when glancing at my speedometer I wonder just how fast they are going. There is a temptation to match the flow of traffic pacing, not to look down and see where I stand in the law's reckoning.
I wonder further how this principle applies to other areas of life. Of how I sometimes feel like I am not making progress in comparison to those around me. I might not be paying attention to others who are measuring their behavior against mine and feeling bummed. I know that I am privileged in certain areas. I am grateful for the grace that has been given me, and I frequently pray about and remind myself not to squander such a gift.
There is a drive in me that wants to be more. It notices every fault I carry and mistake I make and pressures me with the suspicion that I could improve. This voice whispers if only I would focus and concentrate my energies on an area, I could excel and be an expert of sorts. But when I put my time and effort in one area above others, the others will fade accordingly to the drain on the attention placed in that one area.
It is a tricky thing to be alive and human. To be told that you have to be an A-level student, have a steady career path, a stable relationship, be well-informed person on current events, possess a presentable style and voice. There are days when I realize that I am not living up to my expectations. It is easy to be discouraged by this. But I have to take a deep breath, calm my mind and heart, and ask Christ. "How did you deal with this? How did you manage during your time on earth? What did you do with your time? How should I spend mine in bringing glory to Your name?"
As I get older, my knowledge of what I don't know keeps me humble. The knowledge that I can learn so much from everyone around me keeps me eager to help and learn in whatever way I can contribute. Balancing my life isn't easy, but I will focus on doing what I can with the options I have from moment to moment. I hope that the tools and skills I am creating, cultivating, and sharpening will prove useful down the road.
Until then, I will continue to rise early, array myself to face the day's demands, and try to enjoy the ride. Remembering that haste is a poor man's substitute to preparation in lead time and planning.
I am in my uniform for the day, tying off a simple knot in my tie. After my first day, I found that the others in my position level were not expected to wear ties. But I didn't want to come back the second day looking less professional, so it has become a touchstone. Something that I do to train myself in the habit of dressing up.
But what spurred me to write this is the curious practice of driving. After exiting my hometown, I hit a state road with a speed limit of 55-60 miles per hour. In my estimation, it is a reasonably lenient expectation. I want to just coast along in the left lane, going perhaps 5-7 miles above the speed limit for a cushion. My exit is a good 37 miles down the road, I don't have much need for hurry or changing lanes.
But each day, as I turn on to this road, I see cars taking the morning emptiness and routinely going 10-15 mph over the generous speed expectation. When I am gauging my car's position against theirs, I have the feeling that my car is moving slowly in their wake, but when glancing at my speedometer I wonder just how fast they are going. There is a temptation to match the flow of traffic pacing, not to look down and see where I stand in the law's reckoning.
I wonder further how this principle applies to other areas of life. Of how I sometimes feel like I am not making progress in comparison to those around me. I might not be paying attention to others who are measuring their behavior against mine and feeling bummed. I know that I am privileged in certain areas. I am grateful for the grace that has been given me, and I frequently pray about and remind myself not to squander such a gift.
There is a drive in me that wants to be more. It notices every fault I carry and mistake I make and pressures me with the suspicion that I could improve. This voice whispers if only I would focus and concentrate my energies on an area, I could excel and be an expert of sorts. But when I put my time and effort in one area above others, the others will fade accordingly to the drain on the attention placed in that one area.
It is a tricky thing to be alive and human. To be told that you have to be an A-level student, have a steady career path, a stable relationship, be well-informed person on current events, possess a presentable style and voice. There are days when I realize that I am not living up to my expectations. It is easy to be discouraged by this. But I have to take a deep breath, calm my mind and heart, and ask Christ. "How did you deal with this? How did you manage during your time on earth? What did you do with your time? How should I spend mine in bringing glory to Your name?"
As I get older, my knowledge of what I don't know keeps me humble. The knowledge that I can learn so much from everyone around me keeps me eager to help and learn in whatever way I can contribute. Balancing my life isn't easy, but I will focus on doing what I can with the options I have from moment to moment. I hope that the tools and skills I am creating, cultivating, and sharpening will prove useful down the road.
Until then, I will continue to rise early, array myself to face the day's demands, and try to enjoy the ride. Remembering that haste is a poor man's substitute to preparation in lead time and planning.
"Whatsoever thy hand findeth to do, do it with thy might; for there is no work, nor device, nor knowledge, nor wisdom, in the grave, whither thou goest. I returned, and saw under the sun, that the race is not to the swift, nor the battle to the strong, neither yet bread to the wise, nor yet riches to men of understanding, nor yet favour to men of skill; but time and chance happeneth to them all." - Ecclesiastes 9:10-11
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