I have dug myself into a hole this morning. I am 0 for 2 in tasks that I was asked to perform. My attitude is repulsive, I don't merit redemption. So I rest in my pit and consider my next move. Can I apologize for the wrongs I have done, strive to make them right? Shall I put this behind me as if it had never happened, and press on in my day, learning from it without dwelling?
This is not about me. Though this blog is from my perspective. I detest self-pity, especially when I am tempted to succumb to it. Thanks be to the God who lifts our heads from looking at our problems. I try to be too flippant, too clever, staying a step away from commitment. The tasks that my heavenly father asks me to perform are simple, basic behavior. Yet sometimes a stumble raises the question of whether we will ever walk. If I could write a letter, it would be a plea for me not to lose appreciation for the moment. To know that each one is precious it can make or break a heart.
I am fearful of being the truer fool - the one who is blind to his own ignorance. I have longed to be the ironic fool, the one who knows better but is willing to take the fall if needed. I crave attention - the undivided focus of another person. Groups are more difficult to navigate - for there are multiple subjects, multiple ideas flying. Self-abasement rises again in the past paragraph. Please Lord, give me guidance. "You kick against the pricks" is the answer. When you calm down and stop fighting me, then work can be done.
I have been feeding my mind a steady dose of eye glitters and shimmers of fantasy, trying to escape from the gravity of reality. It is a web of lies, constructed with the intent to draw the reader beyond a point of difficult return. The surface grows stickier from the struggle. I need to rest, to forgive and not fall prey. My king? How can I bring glory to you if I will not pay heed to your orders? I become a hazard to those around me - a distraction.
If I was on the other side of a post akin to this, I don't know how I would respond. Silence is probably the just course of action - it speaks volumes about the scale of my place in a sea of faces. For if you speak and counsel, I am gleeful that someone heard my cries and took time to respond. But if I wallow, if I remain here, I am not. How can you run from yourself? Escape from the box of personality you have crafted with your time, the habits you have cultivated and fertilized with effort and custom. Christ, I truly need thee every hour, I pray that I entwine my life to yours. Your virtues displayed in Your word to come alive in my life. I look in the gardens of others and see the beauty of their discipline and determination. Live a life for which there is no occasion for shame and regret.
