Then today, a friend texted me asking how I was doing and I managed to put it into words. I kinda suspected what my issue was. In that usually I am able to sit down with one of my friends and talk frankly about my life and my thoughts about it, helping me sort my thoughts and feelings out. But the friends I can usually trust with this level of weight have been busy in their own lives. I do not resent them for this, as life happens and catches up to us all. But it left me stumped as to how to figure this out myself in the meantime, carrying my baggage until I could find a safe space to set it down.
Watched The Darjeeling Limited with a friend group last night, and it had an absolutely love visual depiction of emotional baggage and its toll. But upon finishing the film, I wasn't in the headspace and situation to properly arrange and unload my own offloading. So I was relieved to see them and have presence with them, but went home and slept on it.
Anyway, this other friend texted me and finally I was able to focus upon setting down my baggage for a second to select how to explain my problem to a new party rather than a familiar one. It set a problem that made my brain curious and unstuck to explain it thusly.
"So I am having to figure this out differently than what has been available in the past. Friends are a true treasure. But it is a mutual connection of trust built. You share certain parts of yourself with certain people because "they get this". And sometimes I can throw something outside the strike zone and they'll still catch it for me. But I have to respect that I shouldn't ask them to do that as often. It is outside their main zone."
And this helped me frame a metaphor more fully and contextualize how I was feeling. So I pursued it further to get to this:
"And tbh, I play catch for a few people to whom I don't pitch back. I have practice and can catch their thoughts, but they are not in the position to handle what I might throw down, so I respect those boundaries and don't throw them any balls they might misunderstand or fumble. But that can get to a lot of balls for me to carry around. So I like to have friends that I can play catch with and ease my load, y'know? And with my usual catchers being busy, I am having to figure out juggling the balls and seeing if I can work on that skill of patience and fortitude for a while."
This illustration clicked for me and helped me sort myself out and get out of my own way. I am better at doing so when I ask trying to communicate with someone else, I can better understand myself. Thus, my distress and botheration as mentioned at the beginning at not syncing up with another person to "help Me help ME" sort myself out.
People need community. My mind is not a prison, but I do need to open my door so often, let in some fresh air and see if anyone outside myself understands my position. It is isolating to wonder whether I am being a "good human" with only myself as a reference. So it is nice to just see another person and ask, "You feel?" And they affirm, "I do."
Good.
Not just me feeling out here.
