"I so much like being clever, but know that it is often a distancing thing socially, even without the quarantine physical spacing. So sincerely, I do have joy in seeing you living your life. I pray for your happiness & peace of mind."
I sent this message to a friend. And I meant it. Very much so. I do want to wish well to others in their lives. But I wish I could be more people than just me. That I could be an entire chorus of various people with different circumstances, but the same love & care for others. Because I am never quite certain that I am right & justified in my opinions. And I tire of myself on some days, and wonder if my interests in others would be better in moderation. Both in others seeing my words to imagine who I am, and in the other person receiving encouragement from voices other than mine.
Please be kind to one another. Not only in this time, but especially in this time. I sometimes struggle with coming off as sincere. It gets uncomfortable to be vulnerable & honest with others. I have a tendency to try to crack a joke to break tension when the atmosphere of a conversation gets to be too heavy. But I am trying to become better at sitting in that heaviness & contemplating where it might lead. Yes, humor can lighten the mood, clear the air, allow others to catch their breath, & then continue exploring the topic. But it is not always the wisest move to make, as to be the person who does it repeatedly is to draw others attention to me instead. Some flowers of thought only bloom in the quiet night, and shining a spotlight on myself will discourage it from coming to fruition when I am around.
As I stated in an earlier post, I am doing fine. At least I think I am. It is hard for me to tell what is due to my sedentary lifestyle change or whatever this virus might visit upon me. Even when I go outside, I feel vulnerable & exposed. Not only because of the virus, but out of some guilt that I am disobeying the encouraged isolation decree.
I wrote the following on a notepad about two weeks ago & have revisited it as a reminder for when I felt restless & troubled in spirit.
"Guilt is a weird burden to carry. I long to connect with others in person, but know that people are supposed to stay home right now. I don't want to mourn or complain or contaminate others. There is an internal pressure on external choices. To leave is to fill a human desire to commune, but that desire could possibly lead to me infecting others unaware.
I am having to tell myself to be quiet & secure. I don't need to go anywhere. I am thankful that God has provided a means for me to remain sheltered in place & remain financially stable at this time.
I like to explain things to people. I like to explain myself. But at its worst, this might be rooted in a fear of miscommunication or misunderstanding of how I think I present myself, and how I desire to control my own narrative.
I can bite my tongue & listen to others. I can just be here. It is fine. God loves me. I can love others & remain secure for now, praying actively for their physical, mental, & emotional health & safety. I have been placed in a season where I can try to focus on being still & knowing that there is a God. I need to walk for now, I wish to run free again. But to do so, I need to take it one step at a time. To be compliant, patient, and learn how to meditate on His word, & listen in the silence as life has slowed around me."
