I have been feeling abstracted of late, wondering vaguely if I am in the right environment at the right time. But then again, the concept of a "right time" is an illusion, for time is a mere placeholder for progress. The "right" part is also under question, because it is a matter of perspective & angle at which you view things. The great revelation at this stage of college is that upper level courses place more weight on how you arrive at an answer than on whether there is a correct one. In the absence of an objective, absolute standard, I am given pause. I am at a transition point in my life, where college experience is reaching its conclusion. All the letter stamps of "pass" on my transcript are evidences of undergoing training in perspective in problem solving. Now, as I am nearing the end, the courses ask me to show what I have learned. I mentally ruffle through my history of perspectives, & feel like asking, "But how do I choose through which light shall I present myself? In an amalgamation of lenses, the picture has a high chance of being blurred." So, I must now have courses in which I pay to be evaluated on my ability to experiment, adapt, tailor my message to an audience. To read people & satisfy their curiosity as to whether I am worth the time. I have paid for my audience, for their criticism, & now I am wondering which role to assume on the stage. What defines me? Who am I? How did I get here?
I recall my friend's words years ago. He laughed when he told me that one of the most comforting phrases to hear when at a loss. "I am a stranger here myself." What beautiful words, a disarming sentiment, no one is certain of their position except the stranger. Everything is new - nothing to lose & everything to gain by engaging. I am grateful for this friend, for him demonstrating the truth behind his words multiple times in my life. My friends are an unmerited blessing to me & I am bemused by how they've stuck around so long, but want to reward their confidence in me.
I am disillusioned, but not despairing. I am an adult, but I do not understand all that it means. But that doesn't matter as of yet - I have respect & honor for the office in the place of the actor. There was a recent death of an policeman, shot on duty. As I walked the downtown streets in the afternoon to my bus stop, I realized the stops were closed in deference to the traffic of cops paying their respects. When I caught up to the procession, it was a sight to behold: flashing lights above cars in a line without visible end. When I finally arrived home, I reported this to my father. He nodded in acknowledgement that he too had been delayed by the funeral. "But it was important, I grieve for his family left behind. Do you know why they did it? He was on duty, those policemen were paying respects to the office, to the danger and honor that comes with dying in performance of duties."
A few days later, I read of another policeman who passed away of a heart attack. He left behind his family as well, but there was no grand procession for him downtown. Ceremonies are made special for a reason of their being infrequent. Witnessing some aspect of life that bears remembering.
It matters how you lived, what choices you made leading up to your death.
Now, I am at a transition point. Many doors lie before me. I only have to choose a key, make a respectable entrance, & demonstrate that I am a capable young professional. That I will be an effective investment for a business to undertake. But now that I am here, I have a multitude of questions as to how I have gotten here, what I am expected to know, where I should venture. I thought at this point I would know more; everything would become clearer; paths would crystallize into a career route.
I have become the person I am today through the decisions I made, the choices I didn't pursue, & the gifts which God has bestowed. Not the least of which are my supporting web of family & friends. I am not alone, nor forgotten. I must not lose sight of why I hold hope, or rather, in Whom I do.
"Wherefore seeing we also are compassed about with so great a cloud of witnesses, let us lay aside every weight, and the sin which doth so easily beset us, and let us run with patience the race that is set before us, Looking unto Jesus the author and finisher of our faith; who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross, despising the shame, and is set down at the right hand of the throne of God.
For consider him that endured such contradiction of sinners against himself, lest ye be wearied and faint in your minds.Ye have not yet resisted unto blood, striving against sin. And ye have forgotten the exhortation which speaketh unto you as unto children, My son, despise not thou the chastening of the Lord, nor faint when thou art rebuked of him: For whom the Lord loveth he chasteneth, and scourgeth every son whom he receiveth. If ye endure chastening, God dealeth with you as with sons; for what son is he whom the father chasteneth not? But if ye be without chastisement, whereof all are partakers, then are ye bastards, and not sons. Furthermore we have had fathers of our flesh which corrected us, and we gave them reverence: shall we not much rather be in subjection unto the Father of spirits, and live?
For they verily for a few days chastened us after their own pleasure; but he for our profit, that we might be partakers of his holiness. Now no chastening for the present seemeth to be joyous, but grievous: nevertheless afterward it yieldeth the peaceable fruit of righteousness unto them which are exercised thereby. Wherefore lift up the hands which hang down, and the feeble knees; And make straight paths for your feet, lest that which is lame be turned out of the way; but let it rather be healed. Follow peace with all men, and holiness, without which no man shall see the Lord: Looking diligently lest any man fail of the grace of God; lest any root of bitterness springing up trouble you, and thereby many be defiled;" (Hebrews 12:1-15)
