I am ever in a tizzy about starting these posts. Like a coffee cup full of thoughts threatening to spill over and make a mess if I rush things. But eager to get my buzzed thoughts across lest I let them cool and have to throw them out.
I dislike waste, but I am having to let things go this year. Maybe let myself go a little farther than I ever expected. Each year I get older and every functional part of my being protests that I should slow down and not take my wellbeing for granted. Alas, I know people busier than I am and hate to lose ground or face with my own efforts of self-improvement.
There is a quote attributed to John Wooden and it haunts me to this day, "Do not mistake activity for progress." And yet I see what others are doing, learning, and experiencing and I feel guilty that I am not recognizing in myself what I see in others. There is a lesson I heard growing up homeschooled, where the metric for education can move as quickly as the learner had the ability to pursue a subject. A friend's mother saw excellent students in many subjects, and expected their child to keep up with those students' best efforts. But people are limited, and though those exemplary students were clever in many ways, to expect to excel in everything is exhausting to maintain. My friend learned this through burnout - spinning their wheels without decent traction in many subjects, their treads worn thin through overuse and poor maintenance habits.
Even God rested on the seventh day. Though it is debated whether it was a necessity, given that God is to be so great and powerful. Regardless, an example was set for creation that restfulness and breaks are a natural part of life from the beginning. However, this modern American dream involves hustle and grind. If you are always ready, you don't have to get ready. And these days have ground gears. There have been articles and conversations and media all surrounding this weirdly active stasis that pandemic has wrought. The two forces of the modern American dream of endless productivity and the counter message of "Stay put and don't become a disease vector" are at a conflict, burning all our physical and mental motors. And the dualistic lifestyle walls separating work and home life have been sacrificed in the meantime.
So who am I really? I can't separate my view of myself and my responsibilities from my immediate surrounding environment when there are not external cues to dictate my behavior. A lot of adult life is about knowing how to perform your role in given situations, but now the division between the stage and the green room is gone. So are you supposed to be performing all the time? Method actors can make their craft into their life, but it takes commitment and determination and even that has a finite cut off time during the run of the production.
I know this is nothing new. But hardly anything ever is truly novel. Ecclesiastes explores wisdom and foolishness in this way, and speaks of a time and season for everything. And I want to acknowledge seasons changing in my life, but hardly anything FEELS important in the face of this giant sword of Damocles of pandemic and people whispering and shouting about who to blame for the sword's movements, whether others are more deserving of taking the blow and being in harm's way.
Enough with metaphors I guess. I just want to dress up old thoughts in new clothes to see if I can gain a different perspective on what they could be. My thoughts are relational, I try to frame understanding through parallels to check if they fit models.
I am reading Dallas Willard's "The Divine Conspiracy" and it is long. But I need long books of this nature because I am impatient and forgetful of the things I should take to heart. It is patient with its reader and the misconceptions of Christian thought over the years, walking methodically through points. It has placed my mind in a state of appreciating worship music quite a bit. I need my identity to rest in its correct relation to God. I get nervous that I don't know enough to be authoritative and it sometimes causes me to avoid study for the shame it awakens in me that I should know these things better. It is an unproductive cycle and I am grateful for patient and encouraging teachers who remind me of the wonder and majesty of God's daily gifts to us all.
So I have been listening to delirious?'s album World Service. And today remembered the Sanctus Real song "We Need Each Other", also Phil Joel's "God is Watching Over You", and the glorious "God Of Wonders" performed live by Third Day. When I have a moment's peace, I reflect on how there is probably not a finer sentiment than "Great Is Thy Faithfulness", and so on. I am living for this every day as old things arise new in my mind, for I need the hope and strength of things that will last, like was expressed in Rich Mullins' "My One Thing."
