This week has been stretching for me. It required some dexterity & patience not to panic, to give in to a decompression of academic proportion. I am enjoying the idea of school more than the actuality at times. More in the abstract perspective, than the full dose of reality.
I had occasion to dress professionally for a school event, I was smiling at myself, as I could not take myself seriously. Whenever I armor myself in my business-like sport coat and fine slacks, I am very conscious of the figure I cut. I feel like a child playing dress-up, an understudy to the play of life, shuffled onto the stage with more theory than experience as to how I am expected to perform.
My perception of myself extends to what I choose to wear. Most days, I am more focused on function than form in clothing. I have an abundance of T-shirts from which to choose, & prefer wearing jeans to shorts. My shins are like straggly saplings, accustomed to whipping in the wind than the stillness of stateliness.
So odd is clothing. How we as a society choose to array and adorn ourselves. I am generally in support of the practice, because it establishes unspoken boundaries in how to conduct my behavior.
I am more comfortable when I am decently covered, & more at ease when a conversational partner is as well. It is one less distraction for the focus on the topics discussed. I am more of a reactor when it comes to social situations. I prefer to gauge people to evaluate how they communicate, then tailor my message accordingly. I enjoy being able to help people - not out of a desire to gain attention, but as a provider of a need. It pleases me to please others, to make them smile, make them think.
A nightmare situation is one in which my services are called upon, & I am unable to deliver a suitable solution. I want to be useful, but continually question & evaluate myself as to whether I am. When I write, I want to be clever, to connect with my audience, to be understood. At the same time, any creative endeavor is an opportunity to be vulnerable - to be critiqued or wounded in a blind spot which was overlooked. Just because it was pointed out in love does not mean that it is any less embarrassing to discover. After the eventually, & upon reflection, it is often realized that my error was better revealed in that sphere than in a public undressing of the faulty area. It gives me time to analyze that weakness, to compensate for it or prop it up with other skills.
To reiterate, this week has tried my mettle - to meet expectations, deadlines, & strangers. But I have passed through intact, and I am grateful for that. I step back & view many of the things we take for granted as social norms & lightly laugh about how seriously I am expected to treat it, or even if I am supposed to even take note of it at all. I need to remember that life is not just a simulation - that I have to actually make the first move in certain situations. That projects & tasks will not be given to me unless I make a request.
It is just so frightfully exciting, really.
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