Sometimes God gives me what I persistently requested. And it does not resolve my fundamental problems. But it does give me a reprieve from meditating on that issue. Pondering 2 Corinthians 12:7-10 "So to keep me from becoming conceited because of the surpassing greatness of the revelations,fn a thorn was given me in the flesh, a messenger of Satan to harass me, to keep me from becoming conceited. Three times I pleaded with the Lord about this, that it should leave me.
But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong."
I am not as Paul, and I am not claiming some greater revelation or witness to what he is discussing here. But the answer to his pleading request does bring me solace and hope in these days. I think of my fondness for Rich Mullins and his song "Hope to Carry On" comes to mind.
God does not always fix my problems, but He does provide comfort in His word through scripture to attend and comfort those who diligently seek him. I have been distressed for a short while and prayed for relief, for peace, and for patience. I asked the counsel of others who I trusted to see what insights they had into my life and how to intercede on my behalf before the Almighty God and in the earthly plane. It has been a time of formation and practical wrestling with the nature of the God I serve and so desire to understand. I was having to consider, on a daily basis, how He manifested and intervened. I was trying to figure out what was the nature of Hebrews 11, about faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen. For I found myself living a life in which my community was trying to help me navigate what God meant when in Hebrews 11:6, that He was a rewarder of those who diligently seek Him.
But I didn't know what that meant, when the evidence on earth was that the request giving me such consternation was not being rewarded in the way I could believe was progress. I was living along others who did not believe as I did in my will and we all claimed to be serving the same God. How is He to judge among His children when our wills are contrary to one another and involve Him and what His will in our lives should be next? There are days in which I wonder what I would do if I were tasked with governing in the heavenly realm and administrating His will. And I come up against my own finiteness and feel inadequate to understand the depths of God's grace and righteousness in matters of the heart and mind.
I was spinning my wheels in my daily life. People asked me how I was and I answered honestly with what was on my heart and mind. That I wanted to love others well and, if Hebrews 12:6-14 was guidance, I was willing to set my path straight with discipline and love, in order to fulfill 14's recommendation to strive for peace and holiness in living with others.
And as my peace was being tested, I was having to learn the discipline of long-suffering to minister well to others in my life. And I was praying the same grace from those whose ears I bent for counsel.
But today, I came home, and there was quiet. A stillness in my surroundings and in my heart. And I felt the Lord's grace in that moment and knew relief. I thanked Him for hearing my plea and prayed that I would know the next steps. It has been a long winter of small deaths and shaping, and I am longing for the new life of spring's resurrection.
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