As I have mentioned before, I enjoy running & doing obstacle course events. I find the running portions much easier than upper body challenges. I am disproportionate & play to my natural strengths for as far as my legs will carry me. When I bother to work out, the bulk of it is cardio, as conditioning towards what my edge often is is easier to sharpen my speed and endurance.
However, one of my friends has patiently persisted in asking me why I have not taken on the services of a personal trainer. This might provide an avenue by which I could correct my imbalance of focus and guide me towards getting to the peak of my potential performance. To reach the top, rather than just being content to hustle with my bottom limbs pulling the weight. They told me last night, "Kaleb, I know that you CAN finish these events. I have seen you do things out of a sheer force of will. But the question you need to ask yourself is 'How hard do you want to make it for yourself to finish?"
I have explained away my reasons for not hiring a trainer before, which will soon follow and be elaborated upon, but this query stuck with me. I have encountered it in another area of my life in regards to my faith, and my answers were ever, "As hard as it needs to be as long as I am the one finishing." My friend is not a Christian, and I am, & I realize that the same struggles I have had in my spiritual habits are ones I must revisit in my physical habits as well.
Reason #1: I am stubborn and have an intense desire within me to want to work out my own salvation through sweat, blood, and tears. Whether it causes me pain, suffering, and effort, I long to be able to beat myself into submission and perfection with my own hands. Like Aaron Burr in Hamilton, "I am an original, I am inimitable." But you get nothing for it if you just wait for it to happen. It is only when I reach the edge of my abilities and become frustrated that I recognize the benefit of someone else possibly helping me to overcome this barrier of my own limitations. Christ did this for me with extreme patience, while I whaled at the walls in vain. But it was only when I gave up and looked heavenward that I was truly ready to accept that I couldn't do it on my own. I value the things I work for, and until I am able to appreciate the work it takes I am apt to be a little ungracious of the value of the help offered.
Reason #2: I don't feel comfortable asking for help if I believe the task is something I can do myself. I am aware that this is a selfish, proud, and vainglorious thought, but one I need to rediscover and relearn multiple times in my life. I insist on breaking myself first to find that I need to be fixed in my habits. I have learned better habits through exhausting the potential of lesser ones and firmly setting them aside. When I was younger, I had a short fuse, and I prayed about it. I burned to please and self-destructed when I did not manage to accomplish that which I wished. I hated myself and felt that God would never love me when I couldn't manage to do good like He was asking. These self-destruction breakdowns managed to hurt others as well as myself, and gradually God helped me to be more gracious towards others, and eventually myself. It was in my teens that I went through a study of Romans and the doctrine of grace really landed home for me. That God would call me His son and love me and adopt me as his namesake before I did anything worthy of love is very freeing. That I don't have to impress Him, but that I might share the same gift of grace with others that was granted to me is much easier. I now want to rejoice in successes far more than to focus upon my failings as stumbles along the way. It is a walk with Christ, and though I found it more difficult to manage as a spiritual and physical toddler, I don't think as much about my falls, or even my walking unless someone brings my attention to how curious a thing balance is for bipedal creatures. But I want to climb and swing well as well as just run, and a trainer might guide me physically as Christ has helped me spiritually. It requires that I humble myself and ask for help.
Reason #3: I have commitment issues. I tend to be hesitant to commit to new things because I am prone to hyper-focusing on them to the exclusion and ignorance of all else. Once I decide to do something, I pour my energy into it until it exhausts me or I am exhausted of it. Moderation is a problem for me, as I don't always balance things well. If I juggle too many commitments, I will tire myself out or not pay sufficient attention to keep all the objects in the air, and things will tend to drop off around me. For me to take working out seriously, I will have to reexamine the place I have allotted to it in my life as "something to pursue in free time when I am feeling up to it" to "Something I am actively setting time aside to pursue." And it is bothersome to spend money on things I do not use. I already do that with streaming subscriptions to entertainment. People used to put their money where their focus was, but there are ever so many things to focus on these days, so money often is lost through distraction. All the same, I didn't like the idea of paying for a trainer if my commitment is half-hearted and distracted. I was the same with my faith as well - I didn't want to become a member of a church because I did not see a need to attach my name to any one congregation over another. We are one body in Christ, why should it matter if I sign in your ledger? I should go where the Spirit leads me to go and seek pasture for where my spiritual needs are fed. However, I did join a church this past year, and I did it for the benefit of not seeking my own benefit, but out of a conviction that I should be held accountable by a body of believers to serving the benefit of others. Things are ever so much easier for me when I am not solely focused on myself and am looking inward for fulfillment, but looking outward for how I could grow and that growth could feed and support others who need shelter, comfort, and sustenance. Perhaps working with a trainer would not be only for the benefits to my physical fitness and abilities for glorying in God's creation to my full potential, but also that I might have the energy to better serve others by this training of strength and endurance.
My friend knows through experience how much a personal trainer has improved their physical life and habits, and is an evangelist extolling the virtues and benefits he has found through it. I feel the same way about Christ and His role in redeeming my life and habits. We both see how our surrendering our wills to a greater and wiser person's guidance has exponentially grown our achieving of our potentials, and wish each other would join our journey so that we might better keep pace in our walks and runs with common experience and recognition.
But these were the reasons which held me back in committing fully in my faith, and I will have to examine in considering my commitment level to a healthier lifestyle which would be easier with a trainer to keep me accountable and aware.
"I don't want to pay the cost if I am not serious." Both in my salvation and in my fitness.
"Change of lifestyle would be too hard or undesirable."
This is a difficulty of vision and taste. God has helped me with changing my tastes from poorer choices to better ones. It is usually through replacement and refocusing on something that is better and more fulfilling that I tend to drop and/or forget to maintain the unsustainable and draining areas of my life.
"What would I lose of time, money, and energy?"
Once again, a problem of focus and emphasis, somewhat negative in tone, but also valid in that in order to pursue some habits, I must choose wisely what is truly important to me lest I lose relationships with family and friends, maintenance on housework, or ability to support other causes I want to further progress. Time is both physically spent and mentally spent, and is not a renewable resource, so I need to pray and consider what best to do with it.
"It works for you, but is not for me."
In terms of spiritual disciplines or physical training regimens, this is a way to politely acknowledge without committing to any change of behavior. Sometimes this is a valid point, but growth is ever possible from wherever I currently am. If my faith were a mustard seed, I could move mountains, but physically, I still have difficulty with chin-ups.
"I can will my own way to greatness"
Without giving appropriate time to properly prepare, the mind may make some headway, but it is made more difficult when other necessities have been neglected. "Wherever you are, be there" as Jim Elliot once said.
Friday, February 14, 2020
Tuesday, February 11, 2020
Suffer - Full
I recently read Everything Happens for A Reason & Other Lies I Believed by Kate Bowler. It opens with a rawness that is like a gut punch to an empty stomach. Tonight, I read the first chapter of One Thousand Gifts by Ann Voscamp. That was a strike to a different area - making contact with a heart full of loss & grief, fit to burst at the slightest touch.
It comes down to the question: "Why would a Good God allow suffering?" I haven't read C.S. Lewis' "A Grief Observed", but his "The Problem of Pain" is one of my favorite works by him for the thoughts it provoked in me to consider. But, in short, the refrain is that pain is much less abstract when it is inflicted on you in your own life.
Pain makes it hard to think clearly about anything except its source. And it is persistent, despite anyone else's efforts to comfort, console, or even try to snap us out of our suffering. It is different when it happens to you.
It is isolating & overwhelming all at once. It would be fascinating if only sone relief could be given from being the focus of the pain. Johnny Cash's cover of Hurt lent a different angle than the original Trent Reznor version. One with the struggles of a young man who is figuring out how to navigate his wreck of a life by relating it to a friend. The other imbued by an old man's mortality & how its current state is not what it once was, and is wondering whether it is worth the effort to continue to fight to maintain a quality of life. Both are about the current struggle, but through the tragedy of a misspent youth fading before it had a chance to bloom, or through the lens of a life in rearview which had potential unrealized & fully realized regrets. The song ends on a strong refrain of defiance in the face of the current tragic state, claiming that if they had another chance, they would choose the same path again. It is beautiful & heartbreaking all at once.
Years ago, I read Edith Schaeffer's "Affliction", and it is unflinching in it's examination of suffering & whether it might have an ultimate purpose in shaping us into better tools for executing God's gracious will. Like a knife being sharpened through grinding, like silver being proved pure through a refiner's fire. I think I should read it again to better refresh my memory on this particular angle.
I don't have answers for the questions of pain & suffering. Sometimes, I don't even have the heart to engage with it even in fiction. I love Laini Taylor's young adult fantasy novels, but after reaching the conclusion of "Strange The Dreamer", I haven't been able to muster faith in the sequel's ability to overcome & redeem a plot point left hanging. And I love her work. I have borrowed the sequel "Muse of Nightmares" twice & have yet to crack the cover. I keep looking at it with longing for my curiosity to be satisfied & rewarded, but I leave it in limbo, because I am not certain that I would be able to shake the world of the book when navigating my daily life outside of it. This is entirely something which is not really happening, but the imagination can amplify even false things to such a scale that the unreality intersects into the real. Words lead to images, which lead to thoughts, and those ideas linger in minds long enough to leave impressions even as the details fade to an absence.
Life features many losses, and in the longing for the missing support, I can be blinded to potential gains & blessings around me which might grant me opportunities for a greater & fuller life to spill over into others with exceeding abundance.
In another group study, I am going through the book of Ecclesiastes. Recently discussing chapter three which famously lists a time & season for all things under the sun. There is a time to rejoice & a time to mourn. A time to embrace & a time to refrain from embracing. And one of the group members is currently going through an acute time of suffering due to a recent event. It is rough, & I recognize the hurt & pain, for which I cannot give reason or proportional comfort. But I can pray that my heavenly Father might grant peace, wisdom, & comfort to navigate the brokenness of this world, and heal our wounds when we encounter its sharp edges from that brokenness.
If you are going through a time of suffering, know that I love you & grieve with you, even if I may not know you personally or well. I just know that Christ died to redeem my life from the wretched wrecks I managed to make of it with my reckless decisions. Out of love, He sought to reshape & reform my pieces into His image. I still have imperfections, but I long for perfection.
I am reminded of a part of a verse from Come Thou Fount of Ev'ry Blessing:
"Jesus sought me when a stranger
Wandering from the fold of God
He, to rescue me from danger
Interposed His precious blood."
And if Christ can love a stranger, I would like to do the same. As a friend once told me "Kyrie Eleison indeed to all of us." Which is a good Greek reminder to call upon in times of trouble.
It comes down to the question: "Why would a Good God allow suffering?" I haven't read C.S. Lewis' "A Grief Observed", but his "The Problem of Pain" is one of my favorite works by him for the thoughts it provoked in me to consider. But, in short, the refrain is that pain is much less abstract when it is inflicted on you in your own life.
Pain makes it hard to think clearly about anything except its source. And it is persistent, despite anyone else's efforts to comfort, console, or even try to snap us out of our suffering. It is different when it happens to you.
It is isolating & overwhelming all at once. It would be fascinating if only sone relief could be given from being the focus of the pain. Johnny Cash's cover of Hurt lent a different angle than the original Trent Reznor version. One with the struggles of a young man who is figuring out how to navigate his wreck of a life by relating it to a friend. The other imbued by an old man's mortality & how its current state is not what it once was, and is wondering whether it is worth the effort to continue to fight to maintain a quality of life. Both are about the current struggle, but through the tragedy of a misspent youth fading before it had a chance to bloom, or through the lens of a life in rearview which had potential unrealized & fully realized regrets. The song ends on a strong refrain of defiance in the face of the current tragic state, claiming that if they had another chance, they would choose the same path again. It is beautiful & heartbreaking all at once.
Years ago, I read Edith Schaeffer's "Affliction", and it is unflinching in it's examination of suffering & whether it might have an ultimate purpose in shaping us into better tools for executing God's gracious will. Like a knife being sharpened through grinding, like silver being proved pure through a refiner's fire. I think I should read it again to better refresh my memory on this particular angle.
I don't have answers for the questions of pain & suffering. Sometimes, I don't even have the heart to engage with it even in fiction. I love Laini Taylor's young adult fantasy novels, but after reaching the conclusion of "Strange The Dreamer", I haven't been able to muster faith in the sequel's ability to overcome & redeem a plot point left hanging. And I love her work. I have borrowed the sequel "Muse of Nightmares" twice & have yet to crack the cover. I keep looking at it with longing for my curiosity to be satisfied & rewarded, but I leave it in limbo, because I am not certain that I would be able to shake the world of the book when navigating my daily life outside of it. This is entirely something which is not really happening, but the imagination can amplify even false things to such a scale that the unreality intersects into the real. Words lead to images, which lead to thoughts, and those ideas linger in minds long enough to leave impressions even as the details fade to an absence.
Life features many losses, and in the longing for the missing support, I can be blinded to potential gains & blessings around me which might grant me opportunities for a greater & fuller life to spill over into others with exceeding abundance.
In another group study, I am going through the book of Ecclesiastes. Recently discussing chapter three which famously lists a time & season for all things under the sun. There is a time to rejoice & a time to mourn. A time to embrace & a time to refrain from embracing. And one of the group members is currently going through an acute time of suffering due to a recent event. It is rough, & I recognize the hurt & pain, for which I cannot give reason or proportional comfort. But I can pray that my heavenly Father might grant peace, wisdom, & comfort to navigate the brokenness of this world, and heal our wounds when we encounter its sharp edges from that brokenness.
If you are going through a time of suffering, know that I love you & grieve with you, even if I may not know you personally or well. I just know that Christ died to redeem my life from the wretched wrecks I managed to make of it with my reckless decisions. Out of love, He sought to reshape & reform my pieces into His image. I still have imperfections, but I long for perfection.
I am reminded of a part of a verse from Come Thou Fount of Ev'ry Blessing:
"Jesus sought me when a stranger
Wandering from the fold of God
He, to rescue me from danger
Interposed His precious blood."
And if Christ can love a stranger, I would like to do the same. As a friend once told me "Kyrie Eleison indeed to all of us." Which is a good Greek reminder to call upon in times of trouble.
Tuesday, January 7, 2020
Specialist - Simplified
I was thinking about how to understand society & our disappointment s & shortfalls within it. Or at least mine. And I am certain that I am getting elements wrong through trying to simplify it here. But I also don’t want to waste people’s time so please be patient.
It is so much simpler to reduce people to bite size chunks within your own life. It is partially why I protest Myers-Briggs & personality tests. It is so tempting to put a label on something & let it stick. Including myself. But even stickers wear thin over time, tastes change. And they become either ill fitting or branding that you may no longer support. Sometimes it is that the object’s message changed. Sometimes it is just you. But it is simpler to understand & be reduced by the labels others have slapped on me or ones I did to myself. This entire blog reflects choices I made in the part & how comfortable I feel in living within the limitations I made for myself.
I gave this blog a name that was evocative at the time. It started out as me trying a fiction, then just deciding that this is where I consider things. Using a title mechanism of two words & drafting my thoughts from there. This is where I post when I bother to think that I have a thought I want to share outside my mind & the space is helpful for doing so.
I write an annual end of year letter now. Most of my creative energy is consumed there that isn’t already spent at my job. It is nice to have a job that burns off some of my creative energy. But I am not my job. And before this, I was not a particularly dedicated business major. It was a means to an end for me, and business as a end on its own does not excite me. What it manages to do is connect a through line by which I can support myself, my interests, and hopefully benefit others through the labor I perform. I used to think I was a remarkable student with a half decent memory & a penchant for trying to be clever because it interested me to be so & I like making people laugh. I would make a mockery of myself if someone would enjoy the joke with me rather than by laughing at me. Labels are funny that way. Stickers should be fun. But sometimes the joke loses its savor if it does not evolve and progress towards a mutual end. To remain unchanging is to stagnate.
But specialists. People find it much easier as an icebreaker to ask about jobseekers what do I do as a living? It is a helpful introduction for knowing how I tend to spend my days. But I don’t find it satisfying to distill myself down to my job of why I like it. Mostly, it is because I adore working with the people in my office & want to be very helpful for making their lives both professionally & personally better. And if I am doing my professional job well, I might manage to do so. But knowing them personally is what really excites me. There are days where my interest may drag, but I find it renewed by trying to help another person work on a problem. I like being helpful. My life is not as interesting as I am more interested in the lives of those around me. I am mostly interested in talking about other people’s stories as I am already living mine. I am not such an egotist to believe that my own goings on are of interest to everyone. I am very passionate about when I get to do things that involve other people.
But specialists. It is so much simpler to focus on people as one or two things that they are capable of doing for me. They are NPC’s, background characters, two-dimensional beings in my life who I will seek out if their skill sets or insights will prove useful for an issue I am sorting through & need help. I am fortunate to know people who are generally helpful for when I need an extra hand & generally have about the same habit for reaching out to me if likewise is needed. Outsourcing or contacting labor is convenient & simple. I recognize that this is a privilege that not everyone has the same access I have. And this is a troubling thought. Well, first of all that I am dismissing people in my life to two dimensions. I am being both flippant in some cases, but it is painfully honest in others. It is simpler to be known as “that guy who does that one thing” y’know, if he is not too busy or anything. People as sentient toolboxes for that one job that doesn’t come up often enough for me to learn to do myself.
But specialists. What a luxury it is to be able to focus on one thing mainly to make your income in life. And if you have enough gumption & leisure? Maybe turn your hobby into a side hustle. But there are people whose ability to outsource is limited by their environment, income, or time. And none of the options are great because each has a heavier impact on a smaller budget of time & money. A side hustle is not a luxury hobby, but a necessity to get by in life. Yes, it builds character to face hardship, but would be rough going to my shocks & suspension of patience if my entire life was a bumpy road at night with bad headlights to see what’s coming & no money to spare for better ones. And thanks that is assuming it will be a straight road without curves or other cars rushing by. Some people are specialists by circumstance rather than choice, and their opportunities are limited by their education level, availability, and physical abilities. And it is easier for me to go about my own life in ignorance of others’ struggles. But easy does not mean it is right. And I am working towards changing this in my life. Not out of guilt, but out of desire for empathy. I enjoy my life. I hope that others are able to enjoy theirs too. I have been given much, more than I ever deserved, even before I realized how much I have been given & had taken for granted. To much is given, much is required. And I want to do more & help more. And see more of other people than just one thing of how their lives could be shaped to benefit mine, but how I could reshape my life & habits to benefit theirs.
But specialists. Still working on this theme. Still working towards reshaping my attitude and mindset on these things. To wean myself off my desire for praise or acknowledgement for doing a right & good thing. Because I am responsible for myself & my choices. And I cannot live another’s life for hem, but I can try to make my part in it where my path crosses theirs a little easier & lighten burdens rather than adding to them.
But specialists. When it comes to the church & state, I was reminded last night about Israel in the Old Testament. How they wanted Moses to be their spiritual go between between God & then. To bring God’s Word down from the high places & tell them what He wanted them to do & how He wanted them to approach their daily lives. Much of the law was simply practical means of resolving conflicts with fellow men, both stoning or atoning for wrongdoing, and how to live a clean life before God & man. Simpler to outsource religious responsibility & burdens to someone outside yourself to sort through. Bring the preacher your dirty laundry & be washed in the blood of the lamb for forgiveness & a cleansed mind. And later Saul, for appointment as a go between between Israel & other nations’ relations. Politics is messy & troublesome. Let someone else decide the big things so you can focus on being a specialist in something you find much more comfortable performing. As long as the politics don’t infringe on my land & livelihood, it is all looking up for me. But a king has power, and vineyards got eminent domained for being too attractive to pass up. Some women too, whether married or soon to be widowed. Politics has a habit of making its way into people’s lives whether they are interested in it or would prefer to avoid its entanglements. And the poor man’s lamb is often taken, leaving him with neighbors looking down on him for being poor. Who are you to question the government? Be happy with the scapegoat he provided you in his grace, or you will be made into one before our very eyes for your ingratitude in the face of his charity. When a poor man doesn’t have a higher power to turn to for justice & mercy, if there is no hope of an afterlife paradise in Abraham’s bosom for Lazarus after being a lifetime beggar (Luke 16:23), I can understand an earthly outrage towards the rich men who do nothing to ease his pain. To tell the poor in health, wealth, or spirit that life will be better for their present sufferings and will be naught next to the glory of their heavenly reward. It rings as hollow as the empty stomach, wallet, or heart which is making its demands painfully urgent in the here & now. I am reminded of the Lord’s Prayer. Not only for the daily bread, but the ability for the person to receive & eat of it. And that it may be on earth as it is in heaven. Because it is often not. And the church is not a building, but a body, and the body should serve the head. And the head said to clothe the naked, feed the hungry, lift up the broken-hearted. If I am honest with myself, there is much personal growth for me if I am to heed that call. But I want to & I want to want to more.
I don’t want to treat my fellow man & woman for how they might benefit me, but how Christ has benefitted me beyond what I can repay, and that I might free others as well with the life I have left, as it should be Christ’s & not my own. It would be nice to be a specialist, but it is a price not everyone should be obligated to pay. For my ability to be so was paid by another. And by the lives of everyone else who poured their time & care into me that I may pay it forward. I don’t want to see you as merely a specialist either, though it is temptingly easier to put blinders up when looking at each others’ lives.
I know that Christ is traditionally known to have His ministry from 30-33, and there are days which I I remember to wonder what He was doing before then. I am not there yet, but I am working towards there in age & in my heart to be more like Christ for when that day comes. In the Lamb’s Book of Life is about the only special list I should care to see my name remembered. (Revelation 21:27).
It is so much simpler to reduce people to bite size chunks within your own life. It is partially why I protest Myers-Briggs & personality tests. It is so tempting to put a label on something & let it stick. Including myself. But even stickers wear thin over time, tastes change. And they become either ill fitting or branding that you may no longer support. Sometimes it is that the object’s message changed. Sometimes it is just you. But it is simpler to understand & be reduced by the labels others have slapped on me or ones I did to myself. This entire blog reflects choices I made in the part & how comfortable I feel in living within the limitations I made for myself.
I gave this blog a name that was evocative at the time. It started out as me trying a fiction, then just deciding that this is where I consider things. Using a title mechanism of two words & drafting my thoughts from there. This is where I post when I bother to think that I have a thought I want to share outside my mind & the space is helpful for doing so.
I write an annual end of year letter now. Most of my creative energy is consumed there that isn’t already spent at my job. It is nice to have a job that burns off some of my creative energy. But I am not my job. And before this, I was not a particularly dedicated business major. It was a means to an end for me, and business as a end on its own does not excite me. What it manages to do is connect a through line by which I can support myself, my interests, and hopefully benefit others through the labor I perform. I used to think I was a remarkable student with a half decent memory & a penchant for trying to be clever because it interested me to be so & I like making people laugh. I would make a mockery of myself if someone would enjoy the joke with me rather than by laughing at me. Labels are funny that way. Stickers should be fun. But sometimes the joke loses its savor if it does not evolve and progress towards a mutual end. To remain unchanging is to stagnate.
But specialists. People find it much easier as an icebreaker to ask about jobseekers what do I do as a living? It is a helpful introduction for knowing how I tend to spend my days. But I don’t find it satisfying to distill myself down to my job of why I like it. Mostly, it is because I adore working with the people in my office & want to be very helpful for making their lives both professionally & personally better. And if I am doing my professional job well, I might manage to do so. But knowing them personally is what really excites me. There are days where my interest may drag, but I find it renewed by trying to help another person work on a problem. I like being helpful. My life is not as interesting as I am more interested in the lives of those around me. I am mostly interested in talking about other people’s stories as I am already living mine. I am not such an egotist to believe that my own goings on are of interest to everyone. I am very passionate about when I get to do things that involve other people.
But specialists. It is so much simpler to focus on people as one or two things that they are capable of doing for me. They are NPC’s, background characters, two-dimensional beings in my life who I will seek out if their skill sets or insights will prove useful for an issue I am sorting through & need help. I am fortunate to know people who are generally helpful for when I need an extra hand & generally have about the same habit for reaching out to me if likewise is needed. Outsourcing or contacting labor is convenient & simple. I recognize that this is a privilege that not everyone has the same access I have. And this is a troubling thought. Well, first of all that I am dismissing people in my life to two dimensions. I am being both flippant in some cases, but it is painfully honest in others. It is simpler to be known as “that guy who does that one thing” y’know, if he is not too busy or anything. People as sentient toolboxes for that one job that doesn’t come up often enough for me to learn to do myself.
But specialists. What a luxury it is to be able to focus on one thing mainly to make your income in life. And if you have enough gumption & leisure? Maybe turn your hobby into a side hustle. But there are people whose ability to outsource is limited by their environment, income, or time. And none of the options are great because each has a heavier impact on a smaller budget of time & money. A side hustle is not a luxury hobby, but a necessity to get by in life. Yes, it builds character to face hardship, but would be rough going to my shocks & suspension of patience if my entire life was a bumpy road at night with bad headlights to see what’s coming & no money to spare for better ones. And thanks that is assuming it will be a straight road without curves or other cars rushing by. Some people are specialists by circumstance rather than choice, and their opportunities are limited by their education level, availability, and physical abilities. And it is easier for me to go about my own life in ignorance of others’ struggles. But easy does not mean it is right. And I am working towards changing this in my life. Not out of guilt, but out of desire for empathy. I enjoy my life. I hope that others are able to enjoy theirs too. I have been given much, more than I ever deserved, even before I realized how much I have been given & had taken for granted. To much is given, much is required. And I want to do more & help more. And see more of other people than just one thing of how their lives could be shaped to benefit mine, but how I could reshape my life & habits to benefit theirs.
But specialists. Still working on this theme. Still working towards reshaping my attitude and mindset on these things. To wean myself off my desire for praise or acknowledgement for doing a right & good thing. Because I am responsible for myself & my choices. And I cannot live another’s life for hem, but I can try to make my part in it where my path crosses theirs a little easier & lighten burdens rather than adding to them.
But specialists. When it comes to the church & state, I was reminded last night about Israel in the Old Testament. How they wanted Moses to be their spiritual go between between God & then. To bring God’s Word down from the high places & tell them what He wanted them to do & how He wanted them to approach their daily lives. Much of the law was simply practical means of resolving conflicts with fellow men, both stoning or atoning for wrongdoing, and how to live a clean life before God & man. Simpler to outsource religious responsibility & burdens to someone outside yourself to sort through. Bring the preacher your dirty laundry & be washed in the blood of the lamb for forgiveness & a cleansed mind. And later Saul, for appointment as a go between between Israel & other nations’ relations. Politics is messy & troublesome. Let someone else decide the big things so you can focus on being a specialist in something you find much more comfortable performing. As long as the politics don’t infringe on my land & livelihood, it is all looking up for me. But a king has power, and vineyards got eminent domained for being too attractive to pass up. Some women too, whether married or soon to be widowed. Politics has a habit of making its way into people’s lives whether they are interested in it or would prefer to avoid its entanglements. And the poor man’s lamb is often taken, leaving him with neighbors looking down on him for being poor. Who are you to question the government? Be happy with the scapegoat he provided you in his grace, or you will be made into one before our very eyes for your ingratitude in the face of his charity. When a poor man doesn’t have a higher power to turn to for justice & mercy, if there is no hope of an afterlife paradise in Abraham’s bosom for Lazarus after being a lifetime beggar (Luke 16:23), I can understand an earthly outrage towards the rich men who do nothing to ease his pain. To tell the poor in health, wealth, or spirit that life will be better for their present sufferings and will be naught next to the glory of their heavenly reward. It rings as hollow as the empty stomach, wallet, or heart which is making its demands painfully urgent in the here & now. I am reminded of the Lord’s Prayer. Not only for the daily bread, but the ability for the person to receive & eat of it. And that it may be on earth as it is in heaven. Because it is often not. And the church is not a building, but a body, and the body should serve the head. And the head said to clothe the naked, feed the hungry, lift up the broken-hearted. If I am honest with myself, there is much personal growth for me if I am to heed that call. But I want to & I want to want to more.
I don’t want to treat my fellow man & woman for how they might benefit me, but how Christ has benefitted me beyond what I can repay, and that I might free others as well with the life I have left, as it should be Christ’s & not my own. It would be nice to be a specialist, but it is a price not everyone should be obligated to pay. For my ability to be so was paid by another. And by the lives of everyone else who poured their time & care into me that I may pay it forward. I don’t want to see you as merely a specialist either, though it is temptingly easier to put blinders up when looking at each others’ lives.
I know that Christ is traditionally known to have His ministry from 30-33, and there are days which I I remember to wonder what He was doing before then. I am not there yet, but I am working towards there in age & in my heart to be more like Christ for when that day comes. In the Lamb’s Book of Life is about the only special list I should care to see my name remembered. (Revelation 21:27).
Sunday, March 31, 2019
Running - Past
I have always loved to run. It is a means of getting from one place to another. It is a means of doing it quickly. There is a joy and purpose to using my legs to propel me forward in life. It allows me autonomy and self-reliance. But it also allowed me an escape to be away from others and secure isolation. From full gallop to full stop at my destination. No gear changes in between.
I learned last year from my sister Kara that this was a good method for breaking myself down. That I needed to have a period of cool down where I walked for a while after running. Then that it was important to stretch to avoid my muscles getting sore and cramped from abuse. There was a training framework and discipline to this. And my family started a group chat for a casual "run club" to hold us accountable to doing it. And I understand accountability and rules, as I take them seriously when provided.
But for a long time, I tried to outrun the knowledge of rules as well, because once I know something I am accountable to no longer have an excuse for not doing things correctly. There is the haunting verse in the book of James "Therefore to him that knoweth to do good, and doeth it not, to him it is sin." (4:17).The book of James is full of such decisive counsel and advice. It is straightforward in its accountability and I am growing reluctantly fond of reviewing its guidance. It is not always an easy road, but it is a solid one to follow.
So this running club has an initial period of activity, but it falls off after a period. But I treat it as motivation. I am externally driven to commitments, the more trivial, the more interesting to me. Heavy commitments on big things carry much weight and forethought. Serious commitment to small things is more interesting, as failure does not have as large a ripple effect on others. I am cautious when giving commitments, as I tend to take them seriously, knowing how much I pride myself on the ability to follow up on my word makes me hesitant to give it when I do not know if I can deliver on my part. I hate disappointing people and tell them I was not able to fulfill my end of what I promised.
But I love to run. Never saw the purpose of taking it as a serious measured discipline, just something I enjoyed doing. If I took it seriously? Well, I would be accountable to being good at it. And when I have data, I am accountable to the results of that data and seeing how my behavior affects those results or lack thereof. But the one thing that this run club succeeds at doing in 2018 is that the members decide to do a 5k mud run obstacle course in the summer. This is the first running event I have ever done and on the day of the event, I wear a beat up pair of sneakers and manage to lose them in the sucking mud of the first obstacle. I do the majority of the three mile course in my socked feet, through all the obstacles because I am object oriented focused to complete tasks and overcome obstacles even without the convenience of shoes. At the end of the race, I discover that I have a puncture wound in the arch of my right foot. And have been running through a lot of mud. This is not a best case scenario here. Over the course of the next few weeks I have to slow down and let it recover. I limp for a while, but through diligence and care, thankfully my foot heals over in time.
Later in the year, a friend asks me to participate in a Warrior Dash event with him as the person with which he was planning to attend had second thoughts. This is within a week's notice of the event. I am confident in my ability to run and be active, forgetting that I had recently donated blood. So when the day of the event comes, I am disappointed in myself for being so easily out of breath and unable to keep up. I start to doubt my confidence in my abilities and realize I should probably be in the habit of consistently running more often so this doesn't tire me out. It isn't until months later that I connect the dots of low blood levels being, um, IMPORTANT, to being physically active.
Before this revelation came, my disappointment in my self image not matching what I envisioned drove me to take this recreational activity more seriously. I started being more consciously consistent and the two misfortunes in those running events motivated me to double down and enter more running events. I was not going to be defeated or discouraged by letting my circumstances and results overcome me.
As I mentioned before, I take commitments seriously and once I enter something, to cancel and forfeit the fee really doesn't sit well with my sense of frugality. So I used my pride and my stubbornness to drive me to try to better myself through challenges. I don't say this as a bragging area at all - I find myself and my stubbornness hard to live with sometimes because an impulsive and spiteful past version of myself decided that present dissatisfaction with circumstances has inflicted a penance on his future self to fulfill and overcome those circumstances.
But in all this, I learn a greater lesson about myself and my accountability habits. It is in my habits to run, to avoid staying or saying goodbye, to avoid conflicts and redirect uncomfortable conversations and commitments. Because I fear being held accountable to others. I know how seriously I take things and how I can be so consumed by my obsessiveness in completing what I said I would do, that I sometimes objectify the peoples' feelings who come between me and that completion of the task. I need to slow down and stretch my perspective to consider what I am doing and who it affects.
I recently joined a new church. One that is small enough, and is focused on relationships and accountability to one another in effecting real change in their lives and in their communities. I can't run or observe from a comfortable distance. I am seen and heard and known, and it is different than most other churches I have seen. It is encouraging and uplifting to be a part of something greater, and I had never considered membership before in a church, figuring that the Church was a greater body of believers and I didn't see the point of marking my "x" in any one box. I wanted to have freedom to roam and wander through churches as I learned and gleaned from the fields of others. Where the Word was good and fruitful, I might stay a while, but this earth is not my home and I didn't see the point of setting roots or committing to any one church.
But this new church feels different to me. It has a purpose and a mission to its members to be accountable. I am not just a line in their financial or roll call ledgers as another face in their Sunday crowd, but called to be active and committed to being a part of something greater. And I am okay with change in my habits, if I understand it is in the purpose of a better thing than what I currently am able to accomplish. Explained change of something better, a goal for which to strive with a group of people who have joy in the pursuit. That is what gives running a greater purpose.
Before, I could run for the joy of the act, being accountable to no one but myself. But without a greater course with a goal at the end, my efforts were without context or purpose. I am reminded of Hebrews 12, which comes after the marvelous faith chapter which lists the heroes of the faith of whom the world was not worthy. (A description that still resounds with awed admiration in my mind and heart). "Wherefore seeing that we also are compassed about with so great a cloud of witnesses, let us lay aside every weight, and the sin which doth so easily beset us, and let us run with patience the race that is set before us, looking unto Jesus the author and finisher of our faith; who for the joy set before him endured the cross, despising the shame and is set down at the right hand of the throne of God. For consider him that endured such contradiction of sinners against himself, lest ye be wearied and faint in your minds." (12:1-3).
Yesterday, I ran a 15k race alongside a friend. And between that friend and a pace keeping runner as a reminder of where I could finish, I finished the race at a pace that was beyond what I anticipated being able to accomplish. My faith should not be a private thing for me, but a discipline and an exercise in the community of believers. I should be honest about my shortcomings and fears, that I might not let them overtake me. "Confess your faults one to another, and pray one for another, that ye may be healed. The effectual fervent prayer of a righteous man availeth much." (James 5:16).
There are things which I cannot do alone. Things which my pride and my self-sufficiency would be ineffectual and difficult. I need to let them go and accept with humility and accountability that in the company of a greater group, I might be encouraged and spurred to greater things than I could have conceived possible.
I learned last year from my sister Kara that this was a good method for breaking myself down. That I needed to have a period of cool down where I walked for a while after running. Then that it was important to stretch to avoid my muscles getting sore and cramped from abuse. There was a training framework and discipline to this. And my family started a group chat for a casual "run club" to hold us accountable to doing it. And I understand accountability and rules, as I take them seriously when provided.
But for a long time, I tried to outrun the knowledge of rules as well, because once I know something I am accountable to no longer have an excuse for not doing things correctly. There is the haunting verse in the book of James "Therefore to him that knoweth to do good, and doeth it not, to him it is sin." (4:17).The book of James is full of such decisive counsel and advice. It is straightforward in its accountability and I am growing reluctantly fond of reviewing its guidance. It is not always an easy road, but it is a solid one to follow.
So this running club has an initial period of activity, but it falls off after a period. But I treat it as motivation. I am externally driven to commitments, the more trivial, the more interesting to me. Heavy commitments on big things carry much weight and forethought. Serious commitment to small things is more interesting, as failure does not have as large a ripple effect on others. I am cautious when giving commitments, as I tend to take them seriously, knowing how much I pride myself on the ability to follow up on my word makes me hesitant to give it when I do not know if I can deliver on my part. I hate disappointing people and tell them I was not able to fulfill my end of what I promised.
But I love to run. Never saw the purpose of taking it as a serious measured discipline, just something I enjoyed doing. If I took it seriously? Well, I would be accountable to being good at it. And when I have data, I am accountable to the results of that data and seeing how my behavior affects those results or lack thereof. But the one thing that this run club succeeds at doing in 2018 is that the members decide to do a 5k mud run obstacle course in the summer. This is the first running event I have ever done and on the day of the event, I wear a beat up pair of sneakers and manage to lose them in the sucking mud of the first obstacle. I do the majority of the three mile course in my socked feet, through all the obstacles because I am object oriented focused to complete tasks and overcome obstacles even without the convenience of shoes. At the end of the race, I discover that I have a puncture wound in the arch of my right foot. And have been running through a lot of mud. This is not a best case scenario here. Over the course of the next few weeks I have to slow down and let it recover. I limp for a while, but through diligence and care, thankfully my foot heals over in time.
Later in the year, a friend asks me to participate in a Warrior Dash event with him as the person with which he was planning to attend had second thoughts. This is within a week's notice of the event. I am confident in my ability to run and be active, forgetting that I had recently donated blood. So when the day of the event comes, I am disappointed in myself for being so easily out of breath and unable to keep up. I start to doubt my confidence in my abilities and realize I should probably be in the habit of consistently running more often so this doesn't tire me out. It isn't until months later that I connect the dots of low blood levels being, um, IMPORTANT, to being physically active.
Before this revelation came, my disappointment in my self image not matching what I envisioned drove me to take this recreational activity more seriously. I started being more consciously consistent and the two misfortunes in those running events motivated me to double down and enter more running events. I was not going to be defeated or discouraged by letting my circumstances and results overcome me.
As I mentioned before, I take commitments seriously and once I enter something, to cancel and forfeit the fee really doesn't sit well with my sense of frugality. So I used my pride and my stubbornness to drive me to try to better myself through challenges. I don't say this as a bragging area at all - I find myself and my stubbornness hard to live with sometimes because an impulsive and spiteful past version of myself decided that present dissatisfaction with circumstances has inflicted a penance on his future self to fulfill and overcome those circumstances.
But in all this, I learn a greater lesson about myself and my accountability habits. It is in my habits to run, to avoid staying or saying goodbye, to avoid conflicts and redirect uncomfortable conversations and commitments. Because I fear being held accountable to others. I know how seriously I take things and how I can be so consumed by my obsessiveness in completing what I said I would do, that I sometimes objectify the peoples' feelings who come between me and that completion of the task. I need to slow down and stretch my perspective to consider what I am doing and who it affects.
I recently joined a new church. One that is small enough, and is focused on relationships and accountability to one another in effecting real change in their lives and in their communities. I can't run or observe from a comfortable distance. I am seen and heard and known, and it is different than most other churches I have seen. It is encouraging and uplifting to be a part of something greater, and I had never considered membership before in a church, figuring that the Church was a greater body of believers and I didn't see the point of marking my "x" in any one box. I wanted to have freedom to roam and wander through churches as I learned and gleaned from the fields of others. Where the Word was good and fruitful, I might stay a while, but this earth is not my home and I didn't see the point of setting roots or committing to any one church.
But this new church feels different to me. It has a purpose and a mission to its members to be accountable. I am not just a line in their financial or roll call ledgers as another face in their Sunday crowd, but called to be active and committed to being a part of something greater. And I am okay with change in my habits, if I understand it is in the purpose of a better thing than what I currently am able to accomplish. Explained change of something better, a goal for which to strive with a group of people who have joy in the pursuit. That is what gives running a greater purpose.
Before, I could run for the joy of the act, being accountable to no one but myself. But without a greater course with a goal at the end, my efforts were without context or purpose. I am reminded of Hebrews 12, which comes after the marvelous faith chapter which lists the heroes of the faith of whom the world was not worthy. (A description that still resounds with awed admiration in my mind and heart). "Wherefore seeing that we also are compassed about with so great a cloud of witnesses, let us lay aside every weight, and the sin which doth so easily beset us, and let us run with patience the race that is set before us, looking unto Jesus the author and finisher of our faith; who for the joy set before him endured the cross, despising the shame and is set down at the right hand of the throne of God. For consider him that endured such contradiction of sinners against himself, lest ye be wearied and faint in your minds." (12:1-3).
Yesterday, I ran a 15k race alongside a friend. And between that friend and a pace keeping runner as a reminder of where I could finish, I finished the race at a pace that was beyond what I anticipated being able to accomplish. My faith should not be a private thing for me, but a discipline and an exercise in the community of believers. I should be honest about my shortcomings and fears, that I might not let them overtake me. "Confess your faults one to another, and pray one for another, that ye may be healed. The effectual fervent prayer of a righteous man availeth much." (James 5:16).
There are things which I cannot do alone. Things which my pride and my self-sufficiency would be ineffectual and difficult. I need to let them go and accept with humility and accountability that in the company of a greater group, I might be encouraged and spurred to greater things than I could have conceived possible.
Tuesday, February 27, 2018
Garden - Fortune
It was discussed today on whether my co workers had the personality & ability to make money in YouTube or podcasts. I felt like Kip in Napoleon Dynamite, of “I’ve looked into it.” And looking to the internet for a quick answer would probably end up just as disappointing as the time machine in the film. If there was an easy way, it would have already been taken & filled.
The prime real estate has been claimed in the garden of new media, & the low hanging fruit market has been subsidized by the investment of advertisers. But how to get the attention of advertisers? I would guess by doing something that appeals to the interests of an untapped market’s attention. But with many good areas claimed, you have to prove there is a market by gaining that attention first. It requires hard work. You plow the dense soil, breaking new ground & staking your claim. You plant seeds in reddit & other discussion boards, establishing the potential fruit of your research & opinions. You encourage cross pollination of your plants with adjourning fields for mutual benefit. And with patience & hard work, establish a name for yourself in the community.
But that is hard & thankless work. Requiring a measure of passion & interest in the importance of what you are making. It is much easier to walk into someone else’s field & just claim it as your own by offering prettier or tastier fruit. Alternatively, cough over all the fruit in a field & try to create a viral outbreak on the content. Or catch someone in the act of taking this unhygienic shortcut & call them out. Audiences love a good scandal, & being a muckraker can be satisfying in the short term. Of course, there are hazards to this. When you stir up muck, you can instigate a mudslinging war. And even if you don’t suffer this, the odor of that occupation can keep others at a respectful distance, lest they fall victim to being associated on either side of the matter & be caught in the crossfire.
So, while I believe it is unlikely that my co workers will discover fame & fortune in new media, I also concede that the unexpected is always possible. But even if they get lucky & manage it, to maintain that attention involves a lot of hard work. A life of ease only seems to happen when it was a preexisting condition to achieving that fame. As lottery winners tend to squander their money, subjects of viral memes tend to squander their attention by getting stage fright in the spotlight.
However, I certainly haven’t achieved such success. Most of this is derived from listening to Grace Helbig’s “Not Too Deep” & Rhett & Link’s “Ear Biscuits.” Their interview guests usually have some good general advice, but admit that the path by which they got to where they are is mostly closed due the the medium evolving & advertisers becoming more skeptical, demanding more work for less reward.
Monday, May 2, 2016
Probability - Poet-try
My life is a probability tree.
My roots fork deep, though slow.
My decisions break the ground for Me
To become more stable as I grow.
Each day are choices to be made.
Each morning to sleep on or to rise.
Each time I draw aside the shade
To greet the challenges of blue skies.
Though true that there may be greyer days.
Though rains may fall outside.
Though sometimes it feels harder to praise
To be at peace and abide.
Trees can take years to mature.
Trees are often quite boring to view.
Trees sometimes even need manure
To allow their soil to refresh and renew.
So let patience be my rhyme & reason.
So may steady progress be my goal & love.
So that my behavior be pruned in due season
To direct my limbs towards heaven above.
I am learning to branch out to new spaces.
I attempt to overcome shyness and malaise.
I admit it is vulnerable and painful in places
To stretch beyond a tendency to laze.
An object at rest tends to remain in that state.
An object in motion does the same.
An object to Newton's laws comes too late
To ever affect the memory of his good name.
My roots fork deep, though slow.
My decisions break the ground for Me
To become more stable as I grow.
Each day are choices to be made.
Each morning to sleep on or to rise.
Each time I draw aside the shade
To greet the challenges of blue skies.
Though true that there may be greyer days.
Though rains may fall outside.
Though sometimes it feels harder to praise
To be at peace and abide.
Trees can take years to mature.
Trees are often quite boring to view.
Trees sometimes even need manure
To allow their soil to refresh and renew.
So let patience be my rhyme & reason.
So may steady progress be my goal & love.
So that my behavior be pruned in due season
To direct my limbs towards heaven above.
I am learning to branch out to new spaces.
I attempt to overcome shyness and malaise.
I admit it is vulnerable and painful in places
To stretch beyond a tendency to laze.
An object at rest tends to remain in that state.
An object in motion does the same.
An object to Newton's laws comes too late
To ever affect the memory of his good name.
Tuesday, April 26, 2016
Memory - Momentary
In the land of memory, the time is always now.
...
Hang on a second. That is quite inaccurate. It always "was." For in recording something to be remembered, it simply must be in the past tense to become a memory.
The land was populated with has beens, ustacoulds, & never-wases. Over time, their edges became less distinct & more fuzzy. Which made for them to become more comfortable when embraced in reuinon, but difficult to recognize & be certain of which of the above groupings it fit. There were some inhabitants which switched roles, depending on the person they met & the strength of their relationship to them.
There were quiet periods, when there was a lull in visitation traffic. There was a recent shift in popularity in the neighboring realms of the present & the future. The amusement parks of Creativity & Imagination had rides that were routed to pass through the land of Memory. That led to some interest in Memory tangentially. And as the visitors to the park aged, they tended to spend a good portion of time wandering through Memory's lanes & reuniting with old & forgotten friends - reliving past experiences & rehashing old events.
The youth had little interest in Memory's offerings, much preferring to spend their time in the moment, capturing stray moments like the fluttering of butterflies, pinning them to boards, walls, & posts. Then they were packed away & shipped off in boxes to Memory, to be reviewed later. It often took years for these youth to get around to following up on what they had forwarded, some of it lay dormant in Memory's storage for years. Forgotten in the general clutter, & lonely in waiting for the opportunity to be brought out again into the fresh air & used.
Some people were lost to Memory & had no one left to inquire after the matter of their rediscovery. There were others who were never fully recovered, & those who bore witness to what remained of their loved one never fully recovered themselves either. Something more was lost than merely the person, but also the witness of the lost soul who had invested themselves into that person's life & felt the loss of that access to that part they gave away.
Time is said to heal all wounds, but there was no promise that it would dull all pain. Scars have ran deep in the families & friends of those lost souls - in certain environments & times of the year, the hurt is felt more sorely, like a phantom limb. Time offers alternative options & opportunities to spend oneself into other people & projects. But it is not designed to replace the person, but to substitute for every soul is unique & the bonds that have been severed cannot be replicated & spliced into another relationship, however much both parties may try. New bonds must be formed & recognized for their own unique abilities & value.
It is a dangerous business to travel Memory alone, without a destination held firmly in mind. One can never be certain who they shall meet along the way. Encounters may involve the untangling of messy & complicated relationships with other travelers walking the same paths. Some of these may become suspicious or territorial around certain areas, & become aggravated & defensive when questioned as to why they should be so. Often, these people will turn the question around & ask what right the first person should have in being there in the first place. The first person may protest that there was no indication of ownership in the area, upon which the defensive individual may counterpoint that there were signs in the area, if you knew how to read them. But, as not everyone is literate in such things, it may be the second person's elitist behavior becoming exposed as thinking that everyone else thinks like they do. Which, when seen in plain daylight, is frankly embarrassing to all parties involved. Depending on the graciousness of the party, such revelations may be either grounds for apology & forgiveness or enmity & bitterness. Sometimes both take place - even when forgiveness is offered, a bitter heart can perceive this as pity & reject the offer along with the person behind it.
As stated above, traveling alone throughout Memory is dangerous & liabilities are assumed at the traveller's own risk. Discretion truly is the better part of valor, and not all situations are worth the fight given the cost of a victory. Overall, it is the individual's attitude & perspective of such matters which shall dictate whether their time dwelling in Memory is a pleasant experience. Selective travel can lead to better & healthier routes, while confronting some of the problems in troubled areas can lead to encounters which leave the traveller in either cathartic or crippled state.
It is recommended that you be patient during the time spent in Memory. Some parts have fragile ecosystems & will only bloom & ripen into full splendor in their due season. Most things respond better to respect than coercion in providing directions to desired areas & names of personages. Often, a circuitous route is offered, but it is often for good reasons. Shortcuts may be littered with dead-ends, leaving the traveller cut short on their journey. And often, more is learned on the way to the destination than when arriving at the destination itself.
This ends the official overview of the Land of Memory. Please feel free to visit at leisure & stay as long as preferred. The inhabitants will be able to add more details regarding specific activities & opportunities within its borders.
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