Communication - Confusing

It would be laughable if it wasn't so frustrating.
Communication within my family is difficult precisely because of the imprecise assumptions about the flow of information around the house.  It skips a few heads, we all nod and believe that we are on the same page, but are actually looking in different books.
Namely, there is the problem of my scheduling: I live my life in somewhat parallel to my family at this point. I only think to inform them of my tangentness in their plans when I expect them to intersect. Sometimes, I am surprised to discover that my participation in an activity is planned, but as my schedule is mostly free, (save the fixed points of college courses), it is usually amenable for me to be a part of those plans.

It is particularly ironic that given how available I am to communicating online, I appear to be the hardest to actually reach in the family. This paradox is not lost on my parents, and frustrates them when they do try to get in contact. I am not attempting to avoid their messages, but technology has lately failed me at key moments in the past week. They ask for solutions in which to better get through to me.  I don't necessarily have better ideas, and if I make suggestions, I feel like they will ask me what I do with my time.

Time is a curious thing. I am not good at putting an accurate measurable valuation on it, but have no wish to waste others' use of it.  The ways I choose to spend my time are sometimes frivolous and impulsive, but my madness keeps me sane for other, more important, moments. Truth is, that asking me whether something is worth my time or "of value" confuses me. Somehow, somewhere, somebody else can offer a price tag on my time. Those who do put a price tag on their time are subject to the judgment of others as to whether they would choose to pay for that person's attention to their problem.

But thoughts about how to begin down that path of evaluating my own value for services is a separate post for a separate time. When it comes down to details, it is difficult for me to justify me doing any individual action with financial or philosophical logic that it was the best choice available at the time.

(Well, except for the existential salvation that doing something creates meaning, which is absent from the choice of non-action, which is still something, but harder to quantify. Though often, there are moments in which I do wistfully wish to do nothing. It is a break and pause in which starting points in other directions can be taken. Staring into the abyss of doing nothing is enough to frighten somebody into leaving. Having to deal with pondering yourself and your life choices is akin to someone looking into the shadow they cast and trying to run faster, away from it into focusing on something else as a distraction.)

The above is why opening any philosophical door is dangerous. Once open, many unexpected guests wander through the portal and start to party in my head. It is not as easy to shut the door, be a buzzkill and tell them to shuffle off to the back of my brain until a better time comes. Perhaps in the middle of the night when I am helpless to affect anything on that cosmic scale.

Back to communication. That was the original spur to this post. Now you might have an idea of how frustrating it can be to get anything through to me. I cannot even write a blog post to my original point, get to the heart of the matter, and bow out with dignity. However, I do feel that this illustrates MY position much clearer than if I had taken the previous sentence's advice.

In the end, I want to be more conscientious about my intentions when concerning my family. I cannot assume that they know what is in my head, nor that something that I told one member of my family had been passed on to the rest. I have to pay careful heed that the people are aware of me as I am of them. To think of others rather than absently thinking that things will work out if everybody serves their own best interests. It may work in Adam Smith's idealized economic system at large, but in detail, the economics of human interaction are rife with complications and are delicately balanced.

Competition - Creation

         My father loved competitive sports as a young man. In college, he taught one of his friends to play tennis. When the person started out, my dad critiqued him for hitting the ball too hard. The person responded, “I’ll get the placement down eventually, right now I want to learn how to hit with power.” And through work and practice, he did. Soon, he was beating my father, who is a finesse player rather than power. Not overwhelmingly, but effectively - his strategy had the potential to dominate and dictate my father’s reaction.

         The point is control and proactiveness. I am studying business in my senior year as an accounting/finance major. One of my classes deals with strategy - being aware of the nature of the environment, narrowing the focus to accentuate strengths of myself and my team. Knowing what I want to do, and keeping track of the effectiveness of my actions, evaluating opportunities and choosing which fronts on which to compete.

          Everything has a cost. To excel in everything will have a personal toll on my emotions, time, and patience. Most people pare down on commitments to maintain their sanity, imposing edges and frames to enclose a pretty picture. Such limitation is not cowardice, but a coping mechanism, a worldview by which they measure themselves against internal and external expectations. You can ALWAYS do more, but should you? Diminishing returns do apply - risks which are not worth the anticipated reward.

How much is enough? What will satisfy yourself? A good, honest day’s work, a feeling that I have accomplished something, made progress. Too much leisure is taxing as well, becoming a cage of a different kind. There is a balance between them. Leisure gives my mind an intangible reward in the form of a period of no obligations, a freedom to think and dream, listen and laugh. Work gives an outlet through which to apply the knowledge, make real the dreams, fund the leisure time with productivity. The weight of responsibility exercises my mind and body, testing my ingenuity to formulate solutions to issues.

I shouldn’t worry. Anxiety is good if it is a spur to press on rather than a barb which paralyzes decision making. But worrying about things I cannot change drains time from being expended towards things I can affect. Picking my battles, and realizing my position. I can be useful, I have to maintain a level head and be alert to opportunities in which to help.

Snow - Layers

Today was mainly spent in shoveling the snow from my family's drive every few hours. There was a steady fall all day, starting with heavier density and changing to lighter flakes by the end of the day. There is something of a lesson in shoveling snow from driveways. It is an obstacle that slowly accumulates, cutting off mobility and ability to drive and get places. It is not always fun, but it needs to be done or you will get nowhere. A little work applied consistently can maintain a feeling of progress and maintenance better than procrastination and an all-or-nothing effort at the end of the day.

That said, the hours passed rather fast in between these sessions. I am contented to have a home by which I may shelter, food to munch upon, and hot drinks.

Oh, and a constructed a rather rough bloody snow angel sculpture. And a snow lizard, short lived as it was. Wings were hard to stick on the back of a snow sculpture, I got impatient after a few ambitious failures ended up on the ground.

I crocheted this hat. Very proud of it really.

 

Munchkin - Madness

I didn't play it today, but one of my favorite game is Munchkin, by Steve Jackson Games. I have the Fu, Booty, and original sets by which to play it. (Aside: Do not buy the booty, it does not rock everywhere, the items are too specific and are ultimately frustrating, the classes almost irrelevant).

I mostly play the original set, with the Steed, Ranger, and Guild expansions. It is a card game of sorts in which there are two decks: Doors and Treasures. You start the game with 4 cards of each deck.
Doors have Monsters, classes, races, curses, steeds, hirelings, and a miscellany of other effects.
Races and classes modify your character's ability to progress in the quest to level 10.
Monsters are the primary means by which levels are gained, defeating them by adding your level number with the bonuses of items.
Treasures can grant your character items with combat bonuses to ease the transitions on the path to victory. A character can wear one set of headgear; footgear; armor, and use two hands.

The primary fun comes from the variations in the rules, as dictated by the script of the cards. For the winning level, you must defeat a monster, because some treasure cards grant an immediate level up. Alternatively, some items have a gold value printed along the bottom, selling a cumulative value of 1000 gold pieces is also acceptable for a level increase.

Each turn starts by the player flipping a door card face up. If it is a monster, the person must fight it. If it is not a monster card, the player has a choice between playing a monster card from their hand to fight, or accepting a face-down door to add to their hand. At the end of the chosen action, the player must reduce their hand to five cards: If there are other players with lower levels, the excess over five must be distributed to them as "charity." If the player is tied for or is the lowest level, the excess is discarded.

As aforementioned, the cards provide subversions and exceptions to these rules, or add additional abilities. Larger games are made more difficult, as the amount of cards available to undermine a player from successfully winning a combat for the last level will be numerous. Sometimes, a player can lose their vaulted position in the space of a turn. Or, a lowly player may ascend rapidly by using an overstocked "charity"-imbued hand from the beginning of a turn to play "Go Up level" cards and sell character-incompatible or redundant items.

Oh, and the item cards are irreverent and parody puns from dungeon-crawler games. It is a very enjoyable and competitive game.

Secondary - Thought

This discipline is not proceeding as planned. Today started off nicely though, having a breakfast outing with my father and two younger siblings. My father lamented the loss of his hearing over the years, saying that he took it for granted for years, now he realizes more acutely the value through experiencing its fading. He smiled at the younger ones, remarking that they did not think of the future, entrusting their continued wellbeing to my mother and his care.

I value my time with my father; his insights are honed by years of experience and analysis. He doesn't care much for politics, but he does take care with people. It shows in his life and in his relationships, I admire him greatly as an example and influence. My education is confusing at times, as I realize that absolutes are no longer available. It isn't so much more a compass by which to steer a career course, but a series of quadrants by which to map out particular areas of emphasis and differentiation.

My father recognizes that his college experience was in a different world than the one I inhabit now. That jobs are not as readily available with a college degree, but are more competitive and encourage flexibility in commitment.
When I was homeschooled by my parents, they stressed the content of character above academic excellence. The focus was not in the quantity of achievements, but in the qualities of the person doing them.

I know that this is technically my own life to live, but I owe much of my motivation to not squandering the gifts which I have been give. I do not thank my family enough for the amount of time and love that they have lavished generously upon myself and my siblings. It is an honor and pleasure to be their son, and even when I feel faint and insecure about my future, I remind myself of the first chapter of Phillipians: "I thank my God every time I remember you. 4 In all my prayers for all of you, I always pray with joy 5 because of your partnership in the gospel from the first dayuntil now, 6 being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus."

My parents have lived their lives in an effort to embody these and many other words. I want to be a living testimony of the good news and grace which have been bestowed upon me. To reflect upon it and refract it in my actions. May the Lord grant me the strength to carry on, and the courage to stand firm.