Role - Transitive

What power I wield as a creator & actor in a role playing environment!
It is similar to reality, only on a scale of shameless fiat.
I can do things everyday, but am limited by my physical dexterity. In role playing, the act of speaking something is so is taken at face value.
The trouble is that I, as a human, cannot keep them exclusive.
While I am composed of a mishmash of ideas & possibilities, I am one being & can only endure so much contradiction before splitting into breakdowns of emotion. Whether I laugh it off or cry over it, I cannot deny it affects me.

This is slightly troubling. I try on a different skin or mindset, but beneath the glamour, I remain distinctly myself. Thinking & acting like the character leads to a part of me becoming invested in that vein. But veins can bleed & life leaks out. What to do about the mess? It is an experiment, & while I have an idea of how I might like things to end, there are other scientists involved.

This is chemistry, combining character's lines & edges to interact with & react to each other. This is the exciting bit where the product could spin on a dime. Whether to rein back from confrontations or to let loose into the flow, it is tricky to maintain the right balance.
Perhaps there is no true balance that satisfies everyone involved. Which leads to the next point: fellow scientists & even observers can become invested in my character's outcome as well! I have to assume a certain amount of responsibility for my avatar's actions & their consequences. As if real life isn't complicated enough by them, consequences leak into this world as well.
Emotions & tensions rise, leading to moments of euphoric accomplishment, as well as guiltiness when things spiral outside my boundaries of comfort. How much of myself is given to the perusal of everyone else? Why should they mind however I choose to elevate or annihilate my characters? They are mine to do as I please.

Though, if God had this mindset, our deterministic lives might not carry any lasting joy. I know mine would not. Who are we to question God? How great is He to listen to our sentiments? Humor is truly a Divine gift... We who are finite try to judge the infinite. How delighted He must be when we catch a glimpse of the eternal. Like a child grasping the significance of a vexing math problem. But I digress...
It is the spark of free will - of risk that everything can go wrong - which makes the maintenance of the everyday equilibrium into an exciting endeavor. What curious power we lend to authors, actors, & audiences when we allow them to dictate how something should be portrayed.
The first has absolute ideas of how it should be; the second for how to demonstrate/communicate this into reality; the last group decides whether they liked, understood, supported, believed, & so many other things.
There cannot be any lasting hope of pleasing everyone for any significant length of time in this three way tug of war, but it is indeed a spectacle to see when, for one moment, they agree that there is a greater reality for this having come to pass.
Communication through art is beautiful. Maybe even "One of the most fascinating phenomena of the human experience." We play so that we might experiment & understand our work & purpose while we draw breath. Thank God for giving us this spark of the divine creativity to enlighten the hearts & minds of humanity.

Where - Trusting

What have I become, my sweetest friend? - Hurt

And I ask myself "How did I get here?" - Once in a Lifetime

Moments pass, when I wonder - what am I to make of my life? What are my plans? I want to help people, but how can I make a living by doing such a thing? What shall be my occupation?

I trust in my Savior to know what is best, but too often, I find myself with a mild sense of anxiety. Lord knows what I can do, who I shall meet, how I can be of service. It is an open world, He is familiar with all of us. Our moments of courage, our quiet surrenders. But I do not shift responsibility for my shortcomings & anxieties on Him. I ask that He teach me how to behave & become a better semblance of Himself. He is a patient teacher, waiting for Me to learn to trust enough to let others in. I love Him, but need to live in Him. There is a distinct difference between acquaintanceship, friendship, intimacy, & dedication. Each have their place & time with Him. I don't wish to be acquainted with His wrath or disappointment. Christ called His disciples not only friends, but brothers, & I have opportunity of the same. Even more, Christ has promised that the church shall be His bride. But we must live in cleanliness & honor His name, not behaving as a slattern to vain philosophies & materialism. They are signs of weak trust in His ability to satisfy our needs. Dedication to the sticking point. All praise to He who is able to provide exceedingly abundantly beyond all that we could ask or imagine. I need Him, & though He does not need me, He wants Me as a child of the living God, a brother of Christ, & receptacle of His Holy Spirit dwelling in me.

Savory - Unsettled

I awoke this morning to the realization that I hadn't been forgiven. Like the Fray song "How to Save a Life," I was at a loss for how to proceed. I liked and was fond of the person, but they didn't reciprocate in kind.  This bothered me in the morning - I was tired, vulnerable, and generally feeling things very acutely.  What made it worse is that I knew I was and am in the wrong here and they are justified in a dislike for me.

Relationships are complicated, as Avril Lavigne described in the mid 2000's.  They are a two way street of communication and interest. When one side places up road-blocks and "under construction" signs, it is often best to not press the issue.  I tend to get into these situations by thinking too much, too late. On one side, if I keep silent - it is an silent admission of guilt and allows the other person to frame the story.  (I don't mind being the goat, & suffering sacrifice. But atonement has not been paid yet in this instance.) Although I have apologized multiple times, that does not mean that the other party is obligated to accept them.

On the other extreme - raising a ruckus about the issue just muddies us both, and I expose myself to the possibility of digging a deeper grave. So, I have kept flailing to a minimum, hoping that my record of good behavior will speak for itself. I admit that I acted unwisely, but that my intention was not to harm the other party.  But they are not interested in reconciliation or speaking about it.

I would bury the hatchet if it had been my blood on the blade, but in the event of this remaining unsettled, I find that it weighs on my hands.  I dropped it before, resolving that I would not press the issue, but a recent interaction reveals that time has not healed the wound I dealt.  I refuse to speak ill of the person, for I am responsible for my own actions. But I wish it could have had a different ending than this.  It is unhealthy for my spirit to dwell on the past.  Even though it grinds on me enough to explore my own emotions on the issue, to provide an experience for me to feel and write about.  This is not as much about therapy or sympathy, but out of a kind of journal entry for capturing my thoughts on an issue. It is public because if another person has been in my position, it hope it is comforting to know that they are not alone.

I am wrong, but there is not any indication that they wish for me to make it right. Some things end, and I must accept that.  To dwell and brood on my inability to satisfy their standards for appropriate compensation is to give them power over me, a reign of penance on my part.  I am done suffering. I admit that I regret my actions which led to this, but will not be obnoxious and needy to people who do not want things fixed. I will focus on the metaphorical 99 friends which I have, rather than searching in vain for the ones I've lost. If I divide my attentions in despair, I will be poor company for those who still remain.  This was not a romance, but a friendship squandered by my carelessness. I am thankful for those who have stuck with me, and am resolved to learn from this. With a sad smile, I close this chapter, hoping inwardly that the story does not end on this note.

Also, Matthew Theissen has written two songs in which I take solace and peace.

"I'm over it
Yeah behind me now
I'm just over it
Over it
Yeah I'm finding out
I'm just over it
No I don't know what's over just yet
But I won't go slow and time can let the mind forget" - Over It "Relient K"

(If You Want It) - Relient k