I awoke this morning to the realization that I hadn't been forgiven. Like the Fray song "How to Save a Life," I was at a loss for how to proceed. I liked and was fond of the person, but they didn't reciprocate in kind. This bothered me in the morning - I was tired, vulnerable, and generally feeling things very acutely. What made it worse is that I knew I was and am in the wrong here and they are justified in a dislike for me.
Relationships are complicated, as Avril Lavigne described in the mid 2000's. They are a two way street of communication and interest. When one side places up road-blocks and "under construction" signs, it is often best to not press the issue. I tend to get into these situations by thinking too much, too late. On one side, if I keep silent - it is an silent admission of guilt and allows the other person to frame the story. (I don't mind being the goat, & suffering sacrifice. But atonement has not been paid yet in this instance.) Although I have apologized multiple times, that does not mean that the other party is obligated to accept them.
On the other extreme - raising a ruckus about the issue just muddies us both, and I expose myself to the possibility of digging a deeper grave. So, I have kept flailing to a minimum, hoping that my record of good behavior will speak for itself. I admit that I acted unwisely, but that my intention was not to harm the other party. But they are not interested in reconciliation or speaking about it.
I would bury the hatchet if it had been my blood on the blade, but in the event of this remaining unsettled, I find that it weighs on my hands. I dropped it before, resolving that I would not press the issue, but a recent interaction reveals that time has not healed the wound I dealt. I refuse to speak ill of the person, for I am responsible for my own actions. But I wish it could have had a different ending than this. It is unhealthy for my spirit to dwell on the past. Even though it grinds on me enough to explore my own emotions on the issue, to provide an experience for me to feel and write about. This is not as much about therapy or sympathy, but out of a kind of journal entry for capturing my thoughts on an issue. It is public because if another person has been in my position, it hope it is comforting to know that they are not alone.
I am wrong, but there is not any indication that they wish for me to make it right. Some things end, and I must accept that. To dwell and brood on my inability to satisfy their standards for appropriate compensation is to give them power over me, a reign of penance on my part. I am done suffering. I admit that I regret my actions which led to this, but will not be obnoxious and needy to people who do not want things fixed. I will focus on the metaphorical 99 friends which I have, rather than searching in vain for the ones I've lost. If I divide my attentions in despair, I will be poor company for those who still remain. This was not a romance, but a friendship squandered by my carelessness. I am thankful for those who have stuck with me, and am resolved to learn from this. With a sad smile, I close this chapter, hoping inwardly that the story does not end on this note.
Also, Matthew Theissen has written two songs in which I take solace and peace.
"I'm over it
Yeah behind me now
I'm just over it
Over it
Yeah I'm finding out
I'm just over it
No I don't know what's over just yet
But I won't go slow and time can let the mind forget" - Over It "Relient K"
(If You Want It) - Relient k
No comments:
Post a Comment