Familiar - Pettiness

 I think I have figured it out again. I remember things well, but take for granted certain truths. When something becomes extremely familiar, I can't notice it anymore as easily.

Familiar: (adj.) 1. "Well known from long or close association." 2. "In close friendship; intimate."

So how can I describe something that I have known for so long and has probably changed so much over time?

[Because all things change in time. If not the object itself, my relationship to it changes through relativity with either itself, or the distance from everything else leaving us behind. To be at rest in relation to everything is to be stagnant, and movement is our signs of life. If I am not in motion in regards to things, I am at risk of being mistaken for being dead in my tracks.]

That parenthetical is not my main point, but a waypoint I have arrived at along the way. Related to the whole as support to where I am trying to reach.

And this is what inspires this. Parent and child. How an originating idea spawns smaller ideas along the way. How they relate to each other as each of them grows. Does the relationship between them become more tenuous as they branch out into their own further points? Will it become unwieldy and harder to recognize that one led to the other?

And it is questions like these that my mother asks me. It is answers that I give that frustrate her because they are not as blunt and quick as she would like to know. Some questions only lead to further branches of questions generated by her first question. As I try to distill what I know about some subject down to its simplest and most relevant state.

Because I care about being clearly understood. But occasionally, the method by which I am best able to reduce the opportunity of being misunderstood is to be comprehensive and long-winded. So here we are - I don't want you to get the wrong idea of what I am trying to say.

But there is a hazard in this comprehensive approach. In all the details provided, my audience may lose the thread and consider my explanation a labyrinth rather than a landscape.

So. I have brought my materials to the table so far. Thank you for your patience. My point is, rarely are things able to be both "simple" and "comprehensive". Even now, these words can be read differently.

Comprehensive: 1. "Complete, including all or nearly all elements or aspects of something." 2. "Relating to understanding."

See, the first use of it in the above paragraphs, I was thinking of the first definition - and to describe something in full can take a long time to communicate. The second definition? Well, that can be simple. Literally so, because people tend to think a "simple" concept as being very easily understandable or "easy to comprehend." But it is the assumption of a common understanding that leads to opportunities of the greatest misunderstanding. 

The things that go without saying are usually not said. Because that would be pedantic in the moment. Trying to explain something simply is very hard. Because it involves a level of precision, to be so exact and concise as to communicate in short time and words everything necessary to understand, not a word more or less. Emphasis on necessary. Which is a tricky concept because what is necessary is subjective from person to person.

Once again, I return to my relativity example in the parenthetical second paragraph. And relativity is relational. So when I am in a conversation, I have to figure out what my audience knows or holds in common with me in short steps. But this can be very difficult if I know a lot about the subject or the person to which I am talking. Because both of those relationships to knowledge and people took time to accumulate. And I have to figure out what is relevant given what I know about both. 

To which person am I speaking? It is easier to not update my impression of who I believe this person is in relation to me when I last checked. Because people are lazy and just eyeball the measurement as close enough. When you have seen something repeatedly over time, the edges and distinctions start to blur. It is like taking a long-exposure photograph. The subject is likely to move. And yet if I am taking the mental image of someone, it can be very upsetting if they have moved and now I can not define them as clearly and as simply in my mind. 

And, like in that Keane song I so enjoy and hold to be true: "Everybody's changing and I don't feel the same."

But this is the hazard with the familiar. If you don't pay attention to your relationship to it, it might flip on you and become unfamiliar. And discovering this is very disorienting to recognize.

And I am trying to be both general and specific in this post. To not list any particular grievances or place any blame along the way. Not because I am trying to hide something that exists, but rather I would prefer that anything resembling pettiness in my memories blur into being unrecognizable in my mind. I want to be a forgiving person who lets things go. I carry a lot of details in my mind because I find certain things interesting. And I don't want to have an interest in keeping perceived "wrongs" or "slights" that someone has placed on my path. Whether intentionally or unintentionally, my irritation with others in relation to me should be momentary. God is still working to shave off my rougher edges and I want to catch myself before I catch up against others and start friction. I would prefer if God changes me before I expect others to be changed by God's will to better suit me and my tastes.

Relentless - Slow

My nephew will be one soon. And he is adorable, strong, and relentless. He grins and chortles and insists on exploring areas which range from being gently prohibited to firmly so. He does not know the danger of the latter, but he remains curious to push boundaries. He has learned that it gains him attention and he delights in being seen.

I love all my nephews and one niece. They are different and love in their own ways. My older sister's oldest son really considers things and delights in telling others his observations. He is fascinated by cars and hiking in nature and points out things along the way, "Did you know this? I just learned this! This thing is worth noticing and it is exciting to be alive!" It is a joy to rediscover things through the lens of his understanding. The middle child had his adjustment period to not being the baby anymore, but he has grown proud of being an older sibling to someone. He lives without fear and is learning how to communicate effectively. He loves jumping off of new things, being suspended in space before gravity reclaims him. He has gotten into reading too, which is something I share - when immersed in a story the gravity of reality loosens it's grip on you as you explore someone else's narrative and headspace.

My younger sister has my niece being her oldest child. And my niece loves showing me things. "Look at this thing I can do. I can do it myself. Isn't it great? I know what I like and how to say 'no' to things I don't enjoy. But come with me and witness my domain as a princess - a queen to be someday, but my responsibilities weigh lightly and my freedoms are high within my small world." My sister's middle child is affectionate and sweet. He loves to cuddle with people and be involved. He watches people and waits for his chance to join in fully. He loves like few people I know. And I hope that trust is not diminished by disappointment or difficulty as life goes on. My younger sister's youngest son is a being of kinetic energy, laughing like a tiny greek god as he runs about working his will upon the world. He wants to carve his name and legacy into everything he encounters. He will rush to grow into his own strength and expand what he can do.

It is the way of the world that the younger generations grow up faster than those who came before. The road has been paved by the previous wave and they can see the way forward, and want to catch up to be alongside their forebearers to blaze the undeveloped trail. I see the relentless press of time through the lives and maturation of those around me. Time is relative and my young relatives are rapidly progressing through incremental fractions of their lifetimes by leaps and bounds.

It is a wonder to witness and it inspires me daily to press forward in my own development, slow though it may be. It takes time to learn and my heart is impatient, my mind not as elastic as my nephews who see everything as fresh and new. May the Lord grant me patience and perseverance on this next year to learn wisdom and apply it in my life.

Trailing - Middle

"I so much like being clever, but know that it is often a distancing thing socially, even without the quarantine physical spacing. So sincerely, I do have joy in seeing you living your life. I pray for your happiness & peace of mind."

I sent this message to a friend. And I meant it. Very much so. I do want to wish well to others in their lives. But I wish I could be more people than just me. That I could be an entire chorus of various people with different circumstances, but the same love & care for others. Because I am never quite certain that I am right & justified in my opinions. And I tire of myself on some days, and wonder if my interests in others would be better in moderation. Both in others seeing my words to imagine who I am, and in the other person receiving encouragement from voices other than mine.

Please be kind to one another. Not only in this time, but especially in this time. I sometimes struggle with coming off as sincere. It gets uncomfortable to be vulnerable & honest with others. I have a tendency to try to crack a joke to break tension when the atmosphere of a conversation gets to be too heavy. But I am trying to become better at sitting in that heaviness & contemplating where it might lead. Yes, humor can lighten the mood, clear the air, allow others to catch their breath, & then continue exploring the topic. But it is not always the wisest move to make, as to be the person who does it repeatedly is to draw others attention to me instead. Some flowers of thought only bloom in the quiet night, and shining a spotlight on myself will discourage it from coming to fruition when I am around.

As I stated in an earlier post, I am doing fine. At least I think I am. It is hard for me to tell what is due to my sedentary lifestyle change or whatever this virus might visit upon me. Even when I go outside, I feel vulnerable & exposed. Not only because of the virus, but out of some guilt that I am disobeying the encouraged isolation decree.


I wrote the following on a notepad about two weeks ago & have revisited it as a reminder for when I felt restless & troubled in spirit.

"Guilt is a weird burden to carry. I long to connect with others in person, but know that people are supposed to stay home right now. I don't want to mourn or complain or contaminate others. There is an internal pressure on external choices. To leave is to fill a human desire to commune, but that desire could possibly lead to me infecting others unaware.

I am having to tell myself to be quiet & secure. I don't need to go anywhere. I am thankful that God has provided a means for me to remain sheltered in place & remain financially stable at this time.

I like to explain things to people. I like to explain myself. But at its worst, this might be rooted in a fear of miscommunication or misunderstanding of how I think I present myself, and how I desire to control my own narrative.

I can bite my tongue & listen to others. I can just be here. It is fine. God loves me. I can love others & remain secure for now, praying actively for their physical, mental, & emotional health & safety. I have been placed in a season where I can try to focus on being still & knowing that there is a God. I need to walk for now, I wish to run free again. But to do so, I need to take it one step at a time. To be compliant, patient, and learn how to meditate on His word, & listen in the silence as life has slowed around me."

Pass - Overview

I have an okay life and I am grateful.

I have to remind myself of this every so often.

Community is a good thing, but I can feel selfish for wanting it right now.

Even if others are craving the same thing. 

It is an essential part of the human experience to be able to connect and know you are not alone.

In Genesis, Adam dealt with this as the only one of his kind - and it was a world that was good and he was very good in his Creator's eyes?

Was it a miscalculation or error on God's part to leave His very good creation as one of a kind and incomplete? I certainly don't know.

But what I do know is that I tend to value things more when I recognize how greatly I desire them in my lack of them.

In Plato's Republic, it was noted as a political truth that the citizens grow used to a standard of living progressing to beyond their ability of their society to sustain through their resources, so they would rather go to war with another country for new resources than scale back their lifestyle.

It is a troubling lens through which to view world history. 

I am more fond of Niccolo Machiavelli's political work The Prince, not because I advocate his theories of staying in power, but the motivating factor behind him writing it. He was so passionate about political communities and, being exiled, longed to return to them enough to offer this as a bizarre olive branch to those in power if only he could rejoin them.

It did not succeed, but it speaks to a longing of community and interests. Sometimes those driving factors have unintended consequences and side effects. Things intended for good were turned to ill purposes. Perhaps these ill times can also be turned to healthy purposes.

Currently, with this time of recommended isolation, there have been growing pains to adjust and adapt to this new schedule and standard of living.

It fits differently, providing unfamiliar gaps and restrictions on my time. Some others have discovered small joys in exploring these gaps to see how far they reach. Others have despaired at the constrictions on areas where they enjoyed freedom to exercise. On a day to day basis, I oscillate between the two - it depends on my focus and attention. It is easy to forget myself and my complaints when I am focused on something else. But in isolation, I have to deal with myself more frequently than in the company of others where I can place my attention externally.

It is so analytical and cold to state it in such terms. But it is good to be able to support others and allow them to support me. It is a give and take relationship, and in the absence of my having a choice whether to engage or disengage, it is unsettling.

Free will and self-control are two factors which have haunted me in my life, and my acknowledgement of their weight of responsibility has propelled me forward - self flagellation to provide momentum to a flagellum of an idea.

I admit that it might be a grossly simple way to frame it, but I could have 143 other options which would also be a gross way of explanation.

I don't hate myself, and I don't want to complain or berate myself into a self-destructive spiral. But there is a difference between choosing to be alone for a time and being strongly told that I will isolate for a time. From the outcome, it has the same effect, but for the object, it is internal forces or external forces of pressure and it feels different to give time to personal expansion than to be told to compress and hold myself from risk of contamination.

These are disparate thoughts in a desperate time. I am grateful to be surviving, but acknowledge that things can and should be better. I hope we all learn from this experience, but not everything has a greater lesson or purpose. It takes time and memory to try to sort out sense and narrative. I have some time at the moment to reflect, but the mirror has a tendency to get features flip-flopped and see only the short sighted present and a long way into the past rather any good view of what the future holds.

I don't know what the future holds. I am not a futurist. But I hope I survive to see it when it comes.

Rights - Wronged

I tend to play for keeps
So I lose a lot of me.
When I am focused in the flow
I forget about everybody.
Even if I happen to win,
The cost is too much,
My victory thin.

If you want to play
Tell me so.
I take my fun seriously
And my awareness is slow.
I notice unimportant things
And don't see the nose on my face.
My eyes strain in the distance
Though nearsighted in time & place.

The future was far
But you were right here.
I worried about the unknown
And in the present you disappeared.
In glancing at my rearview
I see where you were past.
When I put myself first
I left you waiting in last.

It does not do to mourn.
You deserved better than what you got.
It is an expensive lesson for us to learn.
How what didn't happen could have been a lot.
Choices are made
I accept my blame.
The price was paid.
And we've both received change.
Where I am is different than I expected.
And I am sorry I didn't "ride or die" for you
With my free will, you were not chosen as elected.

I am not bitter at others
For the way I behaved.
I hope you have better friends
Who know your value & have you saved.
As a contact I wish I had kept in touch.
Without an honest view of relationships
I've stumbled through roads blinded & rough,
Fallen through cracks, hung by fingertips.
And learned in time how to trust enough.

I look back to when we were friends
Not through dark clouds or rose colored lens.
It is not how we started but whether we've found ourselves by these ends.

Fragment - Focus

I had a plan for a post, but I have forgotten it at the moment. The catalyst for my reaction today is due to timing. It is difficult to manage, and I tend to notice it more when things don't align than when they perfectly do.

I visited my family today & they were working on a jigsaw puzzle. A lesson from this is that people's personality & problem solving methods really surface during the process. It is a given that not every piece locks with another & it takes time & effort to achieve the rush of connecting them for a bigger picture.

I am reminded of when my grandparents were driven by my aunt & uncle over the last holiday season. My uncle loves to engage others around him & really brings life & light to a room. He also has a particular enjoyment of convincing my mother to be his big sister & share in his joy of childhood fun & hijinks. They decided during this visit to hold an informally official puzzle building competition. When it was described to me, I did not realize the subject was a 75 piece children's puzzle. It was a challenge of dexterity & timing - a sprint, not the marathon distance of effort I had envisioned. So my grandparents & I witnessed members of my family crowing & cheering over the participant's assembly methods time after time. It was exciting, it was enthralling, it was a simple children's puzzle. I was shaking my head in incredulity of the absurd situation. How we were able to wring joy & competition out of a low stakes educational tool. Some people worked the edges first. Some dumped the box out & tried to cut corners. Each person has an idea of how they could shave seconds off their time with their strategy & execution.

I look back on that fondly, but I do not find peace through that vein of meditative picture problem solving. In the past weeks, I have been working on crocheting an afghan blanket as a gift. It is something I have done multiple times before, and is usually more time consuming an endeavor than an engaging one. Unless I have a pattern in mind that forces me to be more proactive in my creative execution, the time drags. I almost lean into the mindlessness, but it does not feel like a full use of my faculties. Typically I watch TV shows or listen to podcasts to maximize my utility of absorbing something while crafting something else. But taking in media is its own can of worms. I often get entangled in the stories & want to unwind them upon someone else to be free of the isolation of experience. It is a solitary practice to craft & consume, and I begin to crave company & balance.

I have a relational mind. It spools linearly, but tangled like a crochet pattern & series of looping knots. If I neglect to keep you apprised of my train of thought, I might be two rows higher in my stitches & lose your attention as to where I now am. I am getting better at communication through experience, but timing is ever difficult to nail with individual people. I need time to acclimate to each person's rhythms and patterns of behavior. How to best convey and receive information in ways so we shall understand one another. But I am not the only one growing in time. Often my references for how a person interacts with me are out of sync with where they are now in phase.

So timing is difficult. I have had to be a little more decisive with how I spend my time lately, as in times past, I liked to be passively invited to things & accommodate others' schedules. It comes from being in a large family & being accustomed to the needs of a larger group. It was easier to have an empty schedule and be able to pencil myself into the lives of others. But I am realizing this simply does not do. I feel guilty cancelling on my commitments, as I feel obligated to keep my word. But it is a startling reality that people often do not have the same relationship & respect for others time that I have held. Others grow impatient with vague shapes of schedules & try to carpe the diem out of their day to the juices & bones, and any wiffle waffler who cannot decide can be run over or taken for a ride. I understand this control impulse in the abstract, as it is very attractive for a control freak to have stability & decisiveness in a structure.

So learning how to catch & release time in schedules is taking some patience to retrain myself in the discipline of management. I shouldn't dwell on the fishes that have gotten away or resent others for their hauls, but to learn from my mistakes & tend my lines as best I can. But timing with others is an art as well, of reading situations & asking good questions to keep referential tabs, so as to better map possible intersections of trajectories in the future. How to avoid collisions through carelessness with outdated information. (These would be misunderstandings of the person which can cause conflict & debris of damaging words.) Too technical on my metaphor for my tastes even, I have fallen in love with my metaphor & wanted it to fit. Maybe it makes sense to others as a possible explanation. There will be others which will serve better as frameworks for a different situations.

Timing. So much of storytelling & humor rests on timing of the teller & the ability to maintain the attention of the listener to play & prey on their expectations, fulfilling & subverting them. I realized today that occasionally, a thought comes that I want to share with a specific friend. A song, a movie, a topic. But, I occasionally forget the timing of things and people when focused on the topic I want to share. Sometimes such sharing is thoughtless & careless in that it might be relevant & topical for ME, but is like grabbing a puzzle piece from a familiar box & trying to connect it where I think it should fit. Things would be so satisfying if the edges would fit. But lately, I realize that my timing is off for what I am sharing & with who I was trying to connect. That corresponding puzzle piece I am trying to connect to might have been lost with that other person. They have moved on in a different direction & if I want to connect, I have to know which boxes to check to fit that picture. And that takes effort & maintenance on the relationship status. And there are some people with whom I have not been able to maintain that familiarity.

My realization was that the specific friend that I wanted to share that piece of memory with was the friend from the time & place of that shared memory. It may not be the person who is, but the person who was. The people we are now are no longer the people who we were then. And that absence can ache like an old wound, like a lost tooth of growth. I am grateful to the permanent teeth of the friendships that have lasted through chewing past meat & gristle of heavier topics through time's tide. But there are still days when I remember the attachments which have fallen away & with them the lost vitality of youthful metabolism which could process those sweeter times, never considering the possibility they would ever be lost.

Mindfulness - Memorial

What should I mind?

It is a question I have been asking myself lately. I pick it apart into the different interpretations and layers of what and how I should answer. 

"Mind (1) - memory"

a) Recollection: 

What should I remember? Memory is a curious thing, depending on the lens and emotional ties I have to the setting. There are depressions in my mind like a record, times when I made a mistake or miscalculated an action. Times when I should have kept my mouth shut, others where I should have said something, & in my hesitation missed my window of relevance. There are memories of which I am fond, when I managed to be present for something wonderful. Scenes that play before my inner vision, causing me to wince or smile accordingly.

b) Power of remembering/c) Retention in memory: 

What should I keep fixed in my memory going forward? How should and will I focus upon and deal with these records I hold. There are people and places which I treasured, but have lost the rhythm to sync comfortably with where I am and where I was. How to bridge these gaps and use what I've experienced to build new memories.

"Mind (2) - Commemoration."

This definition focuses on celebrating or consecrating a past event. What important things have happened that I want to hold sacred and whole.  Occasionally, I want to whimsically declare a certain day as worth remembering as an annual event. But I forget to write it down as so, or even if I do, I often misplaced the notation. Besides, there are enough official days celebrating something or another. Every day is special to some group for some reason. Whether it be "talk like a pirate", "bacon", "pancake", or the often invoked "opposite day." These everyday celebrations are often forgettable as well. I looked up today out of curiosity. Apparently, the historical website saw fit to say that in 1985, Indiana University basketball coach Bob Knight threw a chair during a game. In 1919, Benito Mussolini formed the Fascist Party. As history goes on, something interesting will occur on any given day. But what should be recognized? I have a while to figure this out, and if I keep aware, this may grow into a offhand hobby.

"Mind (3) Opinion."
I don't know. I saw this in a draft on the same day in 2020, from initial thoughts in 2015. I don't know why I didn't publish this. It is very on brand for me still. My opinions have likely changed in the intervening years, but my approach in analyzing them has remained consistent. Most of my opinions are connections looking for conclusions and avoiding contradictions. I should generate more of them as an exercise & perhaps share less than I do in their formation period. The seeds of the ideas should grow at their own pace & time & not be rushed along before they are ready. Otherwise they might be choked & lost among weeds of doubts and/or wither under the harsh scrutiny of full daylight.

It is my opinion now in 2020 with hindsight that I should have published this five years ago. But time will prove whether it is better for the delay. Words can find their mark in their own timing. I hope this proves encouraging & helpful to you, my reader, as this reminder has been to me.